I was sitting in French class today and I came to the wonderful realisation that I need to be kind to myself and to take things one step at a time. It's hard to push myself into starting study, especially today, I am so tired and pretty stressed about the french play. There's actually quite a lot on my plate this week and I think I am struggling and my thoughts are starting to do that thing where they jump from one to another and back again in rapid succession. I need to slow things down and concentrating on having one thought and then another one
and then another one
and another.
First thought: I need to clean my room for the house inspection:
And another: I am so very tired.
And then another: I need to be kind to myself and be realistic about what I can actually achieve with study.
These thoughts aren't sequential. It needs to make logical sense. Ok try again.
First thought: I need to clean my room.
Second though: I should drive home soon to do this so it doesn't get too late in the night.
And another: A guy I used to work with stood up from the computer opposite me so I had to look through my bag to avoid eye contact
And another: I should listen to music to motivate me. Clair de lune seemed to work last time.
And another: It certainly is calming - and Kind of makes me feel like everything is ok.
I need to decide what to do tonight.
Like maybe just try and write one story. Although just the thought of this makes me want to cry stress tears. Maybe just the first sentence? But then where do I start and how do I know which of my writing to already use and which to write afresh.
Wow, studying is actually so scary. So it's like doing a rail precision. I know I can make the distance but can't take the plunge because I'm terrified I'll fall and then drown in the lava of the carpet.
Ok so I think I want to write a post about mental health. Because it was suicide prevention day the other day.
Yesterday was suicide prevention day and I'd like to share some things I've learned this year to people who may be struggling.
1. Often I've been comforted with the phrase "everyone is struggling with something". But I'd like to counter that with "MOST PEOPLE don't have this fucked up psyche shit weighing them down, MOST PEOPLE live through life's ups and downs with pretty consistent brain functioning and emotional regulation, so that's why MOST PEOPLE can do normal things like socialise or finish assignments or walk to the shops without makeup on. Don't be so hard on yourself when you compare yourself to others, you basically have ankle weights on your brain and life is an uphill journey my friend.
2. All of your feelings are completely valid and significant and most importantly they exist in the real world and can (and do!) act as a physical obstacle.
3. You are the only person experiencing life through your eyes, your problem isn't smaller or less significant than "theirs", It's not a charity marathon, you have your own private obstacle course, your challenges are your own. Like parkour, your ability to do muscle-ups has almost nothing to do with anyone else's. If that dark cloud takes up all of your brain space then it may as well take up the whole universe, either way it is you that has to run through the rain.
4. People can be really amazing if you let them be. It's not that its necessarily scary to share what's going on but it feels whiny and like you're making a big deal out of nothing or being attention seeking. It might not make things lighter for you, it might not make you feel better, but it puts you back in the real world, the world you inhabit with other people. Its not attention seeking, its just sharing. Share your life, share your ups, share your downs. Have no one to share with? Share with me. We're friends on facebook for some reason.
5. Mental health stuff can be confusing because you spend a long time convincing people that you're OK, and when you finally decide to seek help, you feel like you have to justify the "dramatic help-seeking action" (in inverted commas because you can NEVER be too dramatic when it comes to reaching out) - usually a hospital visit/doctor appointment. You suddenly have to change your "i'm fine" to "actually life is really hard" and there's this feeling like you either need to downplay it, or that when you up-play it you are lying and don't deserve help. You feel like you should wait til it's more serious, or that there are other people that have it worse, so why are you complaining. Whenever I've done it, there's always this pause where I'm waiting for the doctor to give me some sort of affirmative nod - validating me in my need to be there. You need to be there!
6. Suicide is so confusing, because (in my experience) it isn't just that you want to die, its that there is a part of you that wants to die, and you have to constantly fight against it with the other part of you. They take turns being the stronger of the two, it becomes blurred which of the two is a more accurate representation of "you", you don't know which side to cheer for anymore and every day is pushing through this internal struggle. Do you realise how much strength this requires and how fucking bad ass it is. You are a fucking warrior fighting invisible battles. It's a hard thing to picture, because the empty, morose feeling doesn't seem like a sword wielding ninja, but it fucking is. Keep fighting, keep training, when you feel exhausted, know that its from a day of intense mental conditioning and be proud of yourself.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 46 36
Headspace: 1800 650 890
Aaaand that took me up until 2.30 in the morning with a bit of procrastination in between.
Monday, 11 September 2017
Sunday, 6 August 2017
and yet another study related post
Its reached the end, the final two hours before I need to hand up this essay that is probably two months past due now. But I can't do it. I can't seem to finish. I want a nap and a break. I am so close to having this done once and for all, but i'm finding it impossible. Is this laziness or is this one of those anxiety attacks that I don't know is happening until I'm self harming. I have had a lot of coffee today.
I miss my friend. I used to sleep with a friend of mine, and I miss being close with them. No matter how much we share, there is no kind of intimacy that matches pillow talk. I don't necessarily want to sleep with him again (I mean, of course I do, I love sex, but thats something else entirely) I just want to have a conversation with him whilst he's holding me in his arms and softly and absently caressing my thigh and back. I don't know how to speak to him without the buffer of making out. Maybe I'm getting lonely, it has been awhile since I've had sex.
And I've never felt bad after it. There used to be this sort of emptiness I'd feel at having been used, but that hasn't happened with him. Just jealousy when I see him with a girl.
My writing has gotten terrible, I'm paying no attention to style or tone, making no effort to make it readable, but I want to record here and there parts of my life. Coz I most certainly won't remember it later. I don't feel like dying anymore, so that's pretty exciting.
I need to finish off this essay, but what I really want to do is sit motionless for awhile staring into space. maybe it is laziness.
I miss my friend. I used to sleep with a friend of mine, and I miss being close with them. No matter how much we share, there is no kind of intimacy that matches pillow talk. I don't necessarily want to sleep with him again (I mean, of course I do, I love sex, but thats something else entirely) I just want to have a conversation with him whilst he's holding me in his arms and softly and absently caressing my thigh and back. I don't know how to speak to him without the buffer of making out. Maybe I'm getting lonely, it has been awhile since I've had sex.
And I've never felt bad after it. There used to be this sort of emptiness I'd feel at having been used, but that hasn't happened with him. Just jealousy when I see him with a girl.
My writing has gotten terrible, I'm paying no attention to style or tone, making no effort to make it readable, but I want to record here and there parts of my life. Coz I most certainly won't remember it later. I don't feel like dying anymore, so that's pretty exciting.
I need to finish off this essay, but what I really want to do is sit motionless for awhile staring into space. maybe it is laziness.
Monday, 24 July 2017
My Nemesis
I now have a nemesis. I have never burned so hot with fiery hatred, never felt so strongly that I wanted someone dead. Sure there was the heartbreak of several years ago that made me feel some pretty intense death wishes, but that was tied up with the lingering affection and love I still felt. For this person, there was never any love, just pity, and then lust, and then fascination, and then shame, embarrassment, recklessness, self destruction, complete worthlessness and then pure, unrefined hatred.
They made me feel as if I was nothing. It sounds so petty to get so angry over someone that disrespected me. But the amount of self worth I lost by interacting with them, and the fact that they don't care at all how I'm feeling, or even acknowledge my existence fills me with restless frustration.
We had an encounter, and he swore me to secrecy, so I don't want to give too many details in case any one I know ever reads this and they try to figure out who it is. But I feel like if I'm vague enough it will be ok.
I don't want to say exactly how they hurt me, but basically there was a misunderstanding in that I shared the big secret I was supposed to keep with someone I was seeing, a close friend. I told my nemesis that I had to reveal the secret to this other person, because I didn't want to be dishonest and untruthful (different things) and the conceited asshole got angry and labelled me as untrustworthy because I broke our "agreement".
The nature of secrets that I have always understood to be true, is that they can be shared in confidence with people, especially significant others. Obviously myself and the arrogant piece of shit fundamentally disagreed about this, but he shut me out completely and wouldn't let me explain, or apologise. I just became nothing to him.
Three days after this, for completely different and unrelated reasons, I tried to kill myself. Recovering from that I decided to try and make peace with everything in my life including this. I tried with him, I tried to make amends, I tried a peace offering, I tried apologizing and its as if I don't exist to him.
It's like I'm fighting for my right to be acknowledged as a person, to prove that I exist, that I'm important, that I have worth. And it hits me so hard, because his treatment of me is exactly how I see myself deep down, its the exact same feeling that I've been trying to combat with positive thoughts and calming breaths. Everything he did just reinforces that worthless, self-despising, everything-is-meaningless feeling in me. He is my suicidal thoughts personified.
There are two forces within me, one that just wants to fucking die already, and one that is specifically fighting against this death wish. The harder I try to die, the stronger the life affirming part of me gets. This is where my anger comes from, from the side that chooses life. It is a base and corporeal reaction that strikes out at any feelings of worthlessness. This is why I crave his head on a pike, this is why it makes me burn so hot. I may not know how to stop this searing aggression I feel toward him, but at least I understand it a bit better now.
They made me feel as if I was nothing. It sounds so petty to get so angry over someone that disrespected me. But the amount of self worth I lost by interacting with them, and the fact that they don't care at all how I'm feeling, or even acknowledge my existence fills me with restless frustration.
We had an encounter, and he swore me to secrecy, so I don't want to give too many details in case any one I know ever reads this and they try to figure out who it is. But I feel like if I'm vague enough it will be ok.
I don't want to say exactly how they hurt me, but basically there was a misunderstanding in that I shared the big secret I was supposed to keep with someone I was seeing, a close friend. I told my nemesis that I had to reveal the secret to this other person, because I didn't want to be dishonest and untruthful (different things) and the conceited asshole got angry and labelled me as untrustworthy because I broke our "agreement".
The nature of secrets that I have always understood to be true, is that they can be shared in confidence with people, especially significant others. Obviously myself and the arrogant piece of shit fundamentally disagreed about this, but he shut me out completely and wouldn't let me explain, or apologise. I just became nothing to him.
Three days after this, for completely different and unrelated reasons, I tried to kill myself. Recovering from that I decided to try and make peace with everything in my life including this. I tried with him, I tried to make amends, I tried a peace offering, I tried apologizing and its as if I don't exist to him.
It's like I'm fighting for my right to be acknowledged as a person, to prove that I exist, that I'm important, that I have worth. And it hits me so hard, because his treatment of me is exactly how I see myself deep down, its the exact same feeling that I've been trying to combat with positive thoughts and calming breaths. Everything he did just reinforces that worthless, self-despising, everything-is-meaningless feeling in me. He is my suicidal thoughts personified.
There are two forces within me, one that just wants to fucking die already, and one that is specifically fighting against this death wish. The harder I try to die, the stronger the life affirming part of me gets. This is where my anger comes from, from the side that chooses life. It is a base and corporeal reaction that strikes out at any feelings of worthlessness. This is why I crave his head on a pike, this is why it makes me burn so hot. I may not know how to stop this searing aggression I feel toward him, but at least I understand it a bit better now.
Sunday, 14 May 2017
From one sex guy to the next
Sex really does have the power to make me feel so much better. My regular sex guy is now seeing a girl more seriously, a girl with which he told me several times that he was ending things. And learning it was more serious felt crushing, and I think I had stronger feelings for him than I first realised and I am hurt, because it makes me sad to see him with her, because I want him with me.
Finding this out the other day I sat and cried several tears and messaged another friend who I had sex with at the hippie festival. The message asked him 'hypothetically' if I were in need of a certain kind of cheering up, would we have the kind of hypothetical friendship where I could ask for some hypothetical sex. My night was nearly spent crying, eating chocolate and cheese and bacon balls, and watching sappy movies. But instead it was spent, getting tipsy, dancing around my room as I cleaned up and made myself pretty. It was so sweet being held in his arms, and kissed by him. I am still sad about the first guy, and this new sex buddy isn't the same, I don't have feelings and I don't think I'm likely to catch them. But the comfort lifted me out of the self pity and I could feel sad without letting it drag me down. Listening to Claire De Lune I feel like I'm OK with being sad about the guy, and I feel like I'm coming to accept that things are really over and also that things are going to be OK, I'll be getting less sex and I still feel jealous but its ok to feel those things.
The sex was so nice, we listened to sigur ros, which made it more exciting and it was fun and he is a really sweet and kind guy. I think just being around really sweet and kind guys is always good for comfort. I'm so glad that it happened. There is no connection, but it makes me feel warm and cuddly inside, like when I talk to Matt. He is a nice guy, he wrapped himself up in a blanket as I finished stuffing all my clothes into my tallboy, and then I sat facing him and his hands pulled me into him and we embraced, its the most accurately I've ever used that word, to embrace someone. It wasn't messy making out straight up, we just held each other for awhile, and then eventually when I did kiss him it was so soft, but not without passion.. His fingertips dug into my back and we undressed each other layer by layer. I gave him another erotic massage, he is so tall, and so sexy, and apparantly has a tattoo which I did not remember at all when I was wrtitng my account of the last time I fucked him. I sucked each of his fingers in turn, slowly and deeply and when I got to the last few I grinded myself against him at the same pulse I was sucking. I'm so glad that I've experienced all of this beautiful and wonderful sex, it makes me feel so happy and that my life is going to be fine.
Finding this out the other day I sat and cried several tears and messaged another friend who I had sex with at the hippie festival. The message asked him 'hypothetically' if I were in need of a certain kind of cheering up, would we have the kind of hypothetical friendship where I could ask for some hypothetical sex. My night was nearly spent crying, eating chocolate and cheese and bacon balls, and watching sappy movies. But instead it was spent, getting tipsy, dancing around my room as I cleaned up and made myself pretty. It was so sweet being held in his arms, and kissed by him. I am still sad about the first guy, and this new sex buddy isn't the same, I don't have feelings and I don't think I'm likely to catch them. But the comfort lifted me out of the self pity and I could feel sad without letting it drag me down. Listening to Claire De Lune I feel like I'm OK with being sad about the guy, and I feel like I'm coming to accept that things are really over and also that things are going to be OK, I'll be getting less sex and I still feel jealous but its ok to feel those things.
The sex was so nice, we listened to sigur ros, which made it more exciting and it was fun and he is a really sweet and kind guy. I think just being around really sweet and kind guys is always good for comfort. I'm so glad that it happened. There is no connection, but it makes me feel warm and cuddly inside, like when I talk to Matt. He is a nice guy, he wrapped himself up in a blanket as I finished stuffing all my clothes into my tallboy, and then I sat facing him and his hands pulled me into him and we embraced, its the most accurately I've ever used that word, to embrace someone. It wasn't messy making out straight up, we just held each other for awhile, and then eventually when I did kiss him it was so soft, but not without passion.. His fingertips dug into my back and we undressed each other layer by layer. I gave him another erotic massage, he is so tall, and so sexy, and apparantly has a tattoo which I did not remember at all when I was wrtitng my account of the last time I fucked him. I sucked each of his fingers in turn, slowly and deeply and when I got to the last few I grinded myself against him at the same pulse I was sucking. I'm so glad that I've experienced all of this beautiful and wonderful sex, it makes me feel so happy and that my life is going to be fine.
Disappointment and a Lack of Productivity
Making things not seem like such a big deal in my head, was a good idea but now it is so easy to shrug off all my responsibilities. I've been avoiding work for a long time now. And I completely missed my sixties tutorial the other week. Am I anxious about all of these things and my avoidance is a coping mechanism, or have I just been lazy?
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life recently and at the moment my day to day life is not up to scratch. I'm not productive, I create nothing, I'm lazy and spend too much time, thinking/fantasizing/worrying about boys. I've been trying to be social, and not lose all my friends while at uni, and I've been trying to focus on exercise which is definitely a positive thing, but I am progressing so slowly, or in fact not at all.
I don't want my life to just be about who I can get to fuck me, or how attractive I am, or how many friends I have. I want to build up the friendships that I do have, and build stronger family connections, because apparently that's the main thing that makes you happy later in life. But also I am so not happy with how my life is going, I'm so disappointed in myself.
I need a routine but its so hard to do a routine when you have one big assignment that just needs to subvert the routine this one time, and then you finish it, take a break, forget that you were supposed to do a routine and put off the next assignment with social and exercising until you make a new routine that can start just after you finish the next assignment.
What I really want is to have a life that I'm happy with, and not base any of my decisions around men, or dating. And to be settled in knowing that every day I'm slowly chipping away at bigger projects.
So I guess what I need is bigger projects to work on, to plan them and then figure out a timeline for them, or to break them down into smaller tasks. I think I've been getting overwhelmed because there have been a lot of new people in my life recently and not a lot of familiarity. Like I've never been so autonomous before, mum has barely helped me with assignments this semester (especially compared to last semester), Jacinta hasn't been around, don't speak to Matt as much as I used to and TJ was a confusing thing for a while, and now isn't a thing anymore, Toby and Matt (perth) are new guys I've had sex with (or who I am most likely going to have sex with) and then at point A I keep meeting more and more people, and catching up with friends from China, and maybe going on two dates from tinder, and then Alex has kind of come into my life a bit more. There are too many characters and its getting harder for me to follow the plot, or to make a plot.
So that's one problem. What are some other problems? Although I don't want to focus too much on problem solving, because I want to be pro active and not just reactive. Another problem is using my phone/facebook/tinder/other scrolly distractions to fill the void in my life, so whenever I feel sad I reach for my phone and don't allow myself to feel sad. Another problem is that I don't think deeply about my life, and so kind of just coast through with a general sense of malcontent but mainly numb to how i feel, or actively ignoring it. I miss Jacinta so much. I keep crying every time I think about it.
So some challenges I will set myself this week.
No using internet on my phone except for at a certain time each day.
Blog every night. Use this blog as a diary.
No preservatives, so go on a super bland diet, nothing processed, plan all my boring meals etc (which means no maccas tomorrow morning) - can eat some fun things on the weekends, like alcohol
Exercise intensely one time per day (point a, giant run, dancing, a swim, ross night? or something)
But how can I start working my way toward larger projects? Oh no. What if I just don't have what it takes to be a writer? or to create a big project? My whole life will disappoint me if I can't do this. OK so I better start actually trying to do it then.
So how can I do uni assignments, as well as other projects? And fit it all into the routine? What is the routine?
So it's going to be...
Wake up early, have a simple breakfast, make tea in a thermos,
get to uni by 8am.
study at uni, have lunch,
then do whatever/ read/go for a walk/ go exercise/ get coffee with friends, nap if you really want
then if I haven't yet I exercise,
Super simple Dinner at home, and then I plan my day the next day, plan lunch, plan clothes and most importantly plan the work I want to get done.
Then write in my journal (this blog)
Then write a chapter of a book/ or a poem / or a scene from my show / or a short story / or a fictional blog / or something, anything that goes towards a larger goal (uni work can be included in this) -
intersperse all of this with guitar practice.
Read and stretch before bed.
Ok this is a good plan, basically all I have to worry about is the start and the end of the day. Like a sandwich where as long as I stick to the uni by 8am and the blog entry at night I will be content. And then to make it better I'll have something nice to wake up to, maybe a nice walk, or fancy breakfast, or hmm, I dunno something... and then something nice like reading to go to sleep to.
Ok for now,
I think print the essay, go home to sleep. and then wake super early to get to maccas by 4am maybe, then i can read the essay there, and try doing some work there, because i won't be heaps productive tonight anyway.
Make this week simple, with only a few social interactions. Right now, plan lunch/clothes and work for tomorrow. I can do this, my life is not going to waste. Everything will be ok. Everything will be OK.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life recently and at the moment my day to day life is not up to scratch. I'm not productive, I create nothing, I'm lazy and spend too much time, thinking/fantasizing/worrying about boys. I've been trying to be social, and not lose all my friends while at uni, and I've been trying to focus on exercise which is definitely a positive thing, but I am progressing so slowly, or in fact not at all.
I don't want my life to just be about who I can get to fuck me, or how attractive I am, or how many friends I have. I want to build up the friendships that I do have, and build stronger family connections, because apparently that's the main thing that makes you happy later in life. But also I am so not happy with how my life is going, I'm so disappointed in myself.
I need a routine but its so hard to do a routine when you have one big assignment that just needs to subvert the routine this one time, and then you finish it, take a break, forget that you were supposed to do a routine and put off the next assignment with social and exercising until you make a new routine that can start just after you finish the next assignment.
What I really want is to have a life that I'm happy with, and not base any of my decisions around men, or dating. And to be settled in knowing that every day I'm slowly chipping away at bigger projects.
So I guess what I need is bigger projects to work on, to plan them and then figure out a timeline for them, or to break them down into smaller tasks. I think I've been getting overwhelmed because there have been a lot of new people in my life recently and not a lot of familiarity. Like I've never been so autonomous before, mum has barely helped me with assignments this semester (especially compared to last semester), Jacinta hasn't been around, don't speak to Matt as much as I used to and TJ was a confusing thing for a while, and now isn't a thing anymore, Toby and Matt (perth) are new guys I've had sex with (or who I am most likely going to have sex with) and then at point A I keep meeting more and more people, and catching up with friends from China, and maybe going on two dates from tinder, and then Alex has kind of come into my life a bit more. There are too many characters and its getting harder for me to follow the plot, or to make a plot.
So that's one problem. What are some other problems? Although I don't want to focus too much on problem solving, because I want to be pro active and not just reactive. Another problem is using my phone/facebook/tinder/other scrolly distractions to fill the void in my life, so whenever I feel sad I reach for my phone and don't allow myself to feel sad. Another problem is that I don't think deeply about my life, and so kind of just coast through with a general sense of malcontent but mainly numb to how i feel, or actively ignoring it. I miss Jacinta so much. I keep crying every time I think about it.
So some challenges I will set myself this week.
No using internet on my phone except for at a certain time each day.
Blog every night. Use this blog as a diary.
No preservatives, so go on a super bland diet, nothing processed, plan all my boring meals etc (which means no maccas tomorrow morning) - can eat some fun things on the weekends, like alcohol
Exercise intensely one time per day (point a, giant run, dancing, a swim, ross night? or something)
But how can I start working my way toward larger projects? Oh no. What if I just don't have what it takes to be a writer? or to create a big project? My whole life will disappoint me if I can't do this. OK so I better start actually trying to do it then.
So how can I do uni assignments, as well as other projects? And fit it all into the routine? What is the routine?
So it's going to be...
Wake up early, have a simple breakfast, make tea in a thermos,
get to uni by 8am.
study at uni, have lunch,
then do whatever/ read/go for a walk/ go exercise/ get coffee with friends, nap if you really want
then if I haven't yet I exercise,
Super simple Dinner at home, and then I plan my day the next day, plan lunch, plan clothes and most importantly plan the work I want to get done.
Then write in my journal (this blog)
Then write a chapter of a book/ or a poem / or a scene from my show / or a short story / or a fictional blog / or something, anything that goes towards a larger goal (uni work can be included in this) -
intersperse all of this with guitar practice.
Read and stretch before bed.
Ok this is a good plan, basically all I have to worry about is the start and the end of the day. Like a sandwich where as long as I stick to the uni by 8am and the blog entry at night I will be content. And then to make it better I'll have something nice to wake up to, maybe a nice walk, or fancy breakfast, or hmm, I dunno something... and then something nice like reading to go to sleep to.
Ok for now,
I think print the essay, go home to sleep. and then wake super early to get to maccas by 4am maybe, then i can read the essay there, and try doing some work there, because i won't be heaps productive tonight anyway.
Make this week simple, with only a few social interactions. Right now, plan lunch/clothes and work for tomorrow. I can do this, my life is not going to waste. Everything will be ok. Everything will be OK.
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me, don't look back now that we're heeere.
Three hours until I'm fucked. But I always say this, there is always this constant time limit that I'm racing towards but even if I miss it then I'm never really that fucked. Like if I fail a subject or get a bad grade I'll still be alive. I hate doing hard work. I feel so exhausted by it.
I had an epiphany on the way back from a hippie festival I went to. It was to not see uni as that big a part of my life. In fact to try and make it as small as possible in my mind. But this is hard to do when every assignment feels like running through mud. Energy. That's what I really need. I don't need everything in my life to slow down, or for there to be a whole lot of chances to sleep and take breaks, what I really need is an injection of energy and liveliness so I can live up to the challenges that I want to be facing.
Where do I get energy from? Will enough sleep, a low gi, high kale diet and exercise regime really be enough? Maybe I should try it for awhile and see..
Three hours until I'm fucked. But I always say this, there is always this constant time limit that I'm racing towards but even if I miss it then I'm never really that fucked. Like if I fail a subject or get a bad grade I'll still be alive. I hate doing hard work. I feel so exhausted by it.
I had an epiphany on the way back from a hippie festival I went to. It was to not see uni as that big a part of my life. In fact to try and make it as small as possible in my mind. But this is hard to do when every assignment feels like running through mud. Energy. That's what I really need. I don't need everything in my life to slow down, or for there to be a whole lot of chances to sleep and take breaks, what I really need is an injection of energy and liveliness so I can live up to the challenges that I want to be facing.
Where do I get energy from? Will enough sleep, a low gi, high kale diet and exercise regime really be enough? Maybe I should try it for awhile and see..
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
Is all romance fabricated? and also some actual romance
The way that I view my own life, things that have happened and things yet come changes multiple times everyday. I switch from an overly ambitious feeling of elation to a depressed deafeatist to a quiet hopeful, to not content and deeply inspired to make drastic changes. The way that I live doesn't change too much, what I actually manage to achieve each day, although its been deteriorating slowly and my empathy has been fading away over the last few years, my daily activities when you look at them from week to week remain exactly the same.
So my question is, does my hope count for anything, given that it only ever lasts a few hours. Sometimes I do think about my life romantically, and I definitely try to hold onto that feeling, but it always slips away, and what I'm left with is my routine, showering, putting my washing on, forgetting to call my friend, figuring out food. Even the more exciting activities, like practicing guitar and reading seem mundane when I'm not seeing "la vie en rose".
I think what the romantic feeling reflects is my belief that everything means something. All of it counts, and there is a point to everything. I've been see sawing between this belief and a complete lack of faith/meaning and maybe thats where the feelings and non feelings have come from.
Is it just a religion thing? Should I go back to church just for the point of instilling that warm hopeful feeling back inside? It is the most substantial feeling I've felt, being with God, and I haven't lost faith in him entirely.
Ok I'd like to include some scraps of things that have happened recently, just to preserve them. The man I have been sleeping with, in a non reltionship kind of way for the past few months, was wearing a super attractive jumper the other day, black and white, hooded, slim fit and I was surprised to find him so attractive in a public non sexual setting. He made a specific point to come talk to me for a while and it felt nice speaking and laughing in public. The last two times the sex felt strange because of a small bit of drama with another girl he's interested in, or at least used to be interested in. But I liked seeing him on Monday and I've been thinking about how handsome he looked all week now. And have been starting to crave him like I used to. Another thing that happened in the same night was I practiced some kendo with another friend, just as man i've been sleeping with was leaving. My kendo friend and I shared a brief moment recently, where I hugged him way too long, and then became embarrassed to which he responded by holding me even longer. He is recovering from a break up and also leaving the country soon so its not a good idea for either of us but I can't help but become flustered when I'm near him. Man i've been sleeping with is aware of the moment but said it didn't bother him. However as I faced off with kendo/moment friend I noticed him watching at the door he'd just left, for a couple of minutes, not sure what this implies.
Part of kendo (hitting each other with large sticks) involves eye contact, which of course made me flustered, and I couldn't do it and kept giggling. He suggested I look at his shoulders instead, his broad muscled shoulders, t-shirt stretched taut, his neck glistening with sweat, the memory of his rock solid body... I digress. That of course made me more flustered and then we fought, and I was terrible and a few times we came close and I pushed him with my body, and we were so close and there was so much aggression and energy between us. At the end of it all, we hugged (instead of handshake) and I once again held on too long, but this time in front of a whole bunch of people, hopefully it wasn't noticably strange, but who knows. He makes me feel so strange.
So my question is, does my hope count for anything, given that it only ever lasts a few hours. Sometimes I do think about my life romantically, and I definitely try to hold onto that feeling, but it always slips away, and what I'm left with is my routine, showering, putting my washing on, forgetting to call my friend, figuring out food. Even the more exciting activities, like practicing guitar and reading seem mundane when I'm not seeing "la vie en rose".
I think what the romantic feeling reflects is my belief that everything means something. All of it counts, and there is a point to everything. I've been see sawing between this belief and a complete lack of faith/meaning and maybe thats where the feelings and non feelings have come from.
Is it just a religion thing? Should I go back to church just for the point of instilling that warm hopeful feeling back inside? It is the most substantial feeling I've felt, being with God, and I haven't lost faith in him entirely.
Ok I'd like to include some scraps of things that have happened recently, just to preserve them. The man I have been sleeping with, in a non reltionship kind of way for the past few months, was wearing a super attractive jumper the other day, black and white, hooded, slim fit and I was surprised to find him so attractive in a public non sexual setting. He made a specific point to come talk to me for a while and it felt nice speaking and laughing in public. The last two times the sex felt strange because of a small bit of drama with another girl he's interested in, or at least used to be interested in. But I liked seeing him on Monday and I've been thinking about how handsome he looked all week now. And have been starting to crave him like I used to. Another thing that happened in the same night was I practiced some kendo with another friend, just as man i've been sleeping with was leaving. My kendo friend and I shared a brief moment recently, where I hugged him way too long, and then became embarrassed to which he responded by holding me even longer. He is recovering from a break up and also leaving the country soon so its not a good idea for either of us but I can't help but become flustered when I'm near him. Man i've been sleeping with is aware of the moment but said it didn't bother him. However as I faced off with kendo/moment friend I noticed him watching at the door he'd just left, for a couple of minutes, not sure what this implies.
Part of kendo (hitting each other with large sticks) involves eye contact, which of course made me flustered, and I couldn't do it and kept giggling. He suggested I look at his shoulders instead, his broad muscled shoulders, t-shirt stretched taut, his neck glistening with sweat, the memory of his rock solid body... I digress. That of course made me more flustered and then we fought, and I was terrible and a few times we came close and I pushed him with my body, and we were so close and there was so much aggression and energy between us. At the end of it all, we hugged (instead of handshake) and I once again held on too long, but this time in front of a whole bunch of people, hopefully it wasn't noticably strange, but who knows. He makes me feel so strange.
Sunday, 2 April 2017
Calloused emotions and a glimmer of hope
There used to be a time when I was extremely sentimental and whatever small or large matters life would throw at me, I would have an intense emotional reaction. When someone complimented me, I would take it deep down inside and smile at myself in the mirror all week thinking about it, when someone hugged me super hard, my whole body would relax under the pressure and I would feel safe and warm. If someone laughed nearby, I would worry it was for me and become completely ashamed and rush myself to a bathroom to check my fly and face in the mirror. When someone broke my heart, the weight of it crushed me to the ground everyday in tears, when my best friend betrayed my trust and I saw her in the arms of my love, the pain was intense and sharp, I believed I would never be happy again. When I used to feel ambitious about my life, I would believe that I could achieve everything, I'd have lists of languages to learn, number of books I'd like to write, imagined myself winning prestigious awards and living in a cottage in the woods with over-filled bookshelves on every wall and several reading nooks, and when I felt bad about my life, it wasn't worth living, I would never achieve anything and always be alone and all those other very unhelpful negative thought patterns.
The fact that i've learnt to manage the overwhelming pain is a good thing, but I think there is much more to it than just the managing slightly bi-polar sensitivities. I feel like life has let me down just a few too many times and I've learnt to not feel anything, I've grown calloused and joy seems a distant thing from the past. Like when I used to think about my childhood it was this magical place I could go to and the smells and movies from that time connected with something deep inside, and now I look at old photos with a sort of 'well how about that' attitude.
What I miss most is that moment when something clicks inside me, and there's a rush all through my body, like a wave of pins and needles that's over in just a few seconds and then I tear up because I'm so happy or so sad or so moved. There's this light that cuts to my core, its not necessarily a warmth, although sometimes if I need comfort that warmth enveloped me, but its better described as a spark, a diving into cold water, or a tug at a chord that's attached to your insides and lifts you up. I've gotten this feeling twice this year, in an extremely muted way, but its something I thought i had lost forever and to know it still exists somewhere inside of me would have been a massive relief to past emotional me (and is a minor shoulder shrug of contentment for today's numb me).
But how do I coerce this feeling out? I want to feel the rush again, those smushy happy feelings, or the intense sad ones, like when I'm listening to music, or when I've just figured something out in my head. Rather than just dating/sleeping with whoever I can have the least complications with, I want to love someone so hard, I want to get a crush again where it sticks and if they look at me I feel butterflies. A boy kissed me on the cheek to say hello after his gig I went to the other day and he is everything I would normally crush on, lovely and smiley and quirky and passionate about music and so fucking talented and one of the most attractive, interesting looking people. And I did think about it a bit, but I think I may have lost the capacity to feel feelings. This might be a good place to start with re awakening my own passions.
The fact that i've learnt to manage the overwhelming pain is a good thing, but I think there is much more to it than just the managing slightly bi-polar sensitivities. I feel like life has let me down just a few too many times and I've learnt to not feel anything, I've grown calloused and joy seems a distant thing from the past. Like when I used to think about my childhood it was this magical place I could go to and the smells and movies from that time connected with something deep inside, and now I look at old photos with a sort of 'well how about that' attitude.
What I miss most is that moment when something clicks inside me, and there's a rush all through my body, like a wave of pins and needles that's over in just a few seconds and then I tear up because I'm so happy or so sad or so moved. There's this light that cuts to my core, its not necessarily a warmth, although sometimes if I need comfort that warmth enveloped me, but its better described as a spark, a diving into cold water, or a tug at a chord that's attached to your insides and lifts you up. I've gotten this feeling twice this year, in an extremely muted way, but its something I thought i had lost forever and to know it still exists somewhere inside of me would have been a massive relief to past emotional me (and is a minor shoulder shrug of contentment for today's numb me).
But how do I coerce this feeling out? I want to feel the rush again, those smushy happy feelings, or the intense sad ones, like when I'm listening to music, or when I've just figured something out in my head. Rather than just dating/sleeping with whoever I can have the least complications with, I want to love someone so hard, I want to get a crush again where it sticks and if they look at me I feel butterflies. A boy kissed me on the cheek to say hello after his gig I went to the other day and he is everything I would normally crush on, lovely and smiley and quirky and passionate about music and so fucking talented and one of the most attractive, interesting looking people. And I did think about it a bit, but I think I may have lost the capacity to feel feelings. This might be a good place to start with re awakening my own passions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)