Sex really does have the power to make me feel so much better. My regular sex guy is now seeing a girl more seriously, a girl with which he told me several times that he was ending things. And learning it was more serious felt crushing, and I think I had stronger feelings for him than I first realised and I am hurt, because it makes me sad to see him with her, because I want him with me.
Finding this out the other day I sat and cried several tears and messaged another friend who I had sex with at the hippie festival. The message asked him 'hypothetically' if I were in need of a certain kind of cheering up, would we have the kind of hypothetical friendship where I could ask for some hypothetical sex. My night was nearly spent crying, eating chocolate and cheese and bacon balls, and watching sappy movies. But instead it was spent, getting tipsy, dancing around my room as I cleaned up and made myself pretty. It was so sweet being held in his arms, and kissed by him. I am still sad about the first guy, and this new sex buddy isn't the same, I don't have feelings and I don't think I'm likely to catch them. But the comfort lifted me out of the self pity and I could feel sad without letting it drag me down. Listening to Claire De Lune I feel like I'm OK with being sad about the guy, and I feel like I'm coming to accept that things are really over and also that things are going to be OK, I'll be getting less sex and I still feel jealous but its ok to feel those things.
The sex was so nice, we listened to sigur ros, which made it more exciting and it was fun and he is a really sweet and kind guy. I think just being around really sweet and kind guys is always good for comfort. I'm so glad that it happened. There is no connection, but it makes me feel warm and cuddly inside, like when I talk to Matt. He is a nice guy, he wrapped himself up in a blanket as I finished stuffing all my clothes into my tallboy, and then I sat facing him and his hands pulled me into him and we embraced, its the most accurately I've ever used that word, to embrace someone. It wasn't messy making out straight up, we just held each other for awhile, and then eventually when I did kiss him it was so soft, but not without passion.. His fingertips dug into my back and we undressed each other layer by layer. I gave him another erotic massage, he is so tall, and so sexy, and apparantly has a tattoo which I did not remember at all when I was wrtitng my account of the last time I fucked him. I sucked each of his fingers in turn, slowly and deeply and when I got to the last few I grinded myself against him at the same pulse I was sucking. I'm so glad that I've experienced all of this beautiful and wonderful sex, it makes me feel so happy and that my life is going to be fine.
Sunday, 14 May 2017
Disappointment and a Lack of Productivity
Making things not seem like such a big deal in my head, was a good idea but now it is so easy to shrug off all my responsibilities. I've been avoiding work for a long time now. And I completely missed my sixties tutorial the other week. Am I anxious about all of these things and my avoidance is a coping mechanism, or have I just been lazy?
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life recently and at the moment my day to day life is not up to scratch. I'm not productive, I create nothing, I'm lazy and spend too much time, thinking/fantasizing/worrying about boys. I've been trying to be social, and not lose all my friends while at uni, and I've been trying to focus on exercise which is definitely a positive thing, but I am progressing so slowly, or in fact not at all.
I don't want my life to just be about who I can get to fuck me, or how attractive I am, or how many friends I have. I want to build up the friendships that I do have, and build stronger family connections, because apparently that's the main thing that makes you happy later in life. But also I am so not happy with how my life is going, I'm so disappointed in myself.
I need a routine but its so hard to do a routine when you have one big assignment that just needs to subvert the routine this one time, and then you finish it, take a break, forget that you were supposed to do a routine and put off the next assignment with social and exercising until you make a new routine that can start just after you finish the next assignment.
What I really want is to have a life that I'm happy with, and not base any of my decisions around men, or dating. And to be settled in knowing that every day I'm slowly chipping away at bigger projects.
So I guess what I need is bigger projects to work on, to plan them and then figure out a timeline for them, or to break them down into smaller tasks. I think I've been getting overwhelmed because there have been a lot of new people in my life recently and not a lot of familiarity. Like I've never been so autonomous before, mum has barely helped me with assignments this semester (especially compared to last semester), Jacinta hasn't been around, don't speak to Matt as much as I used to and TJ was a confusing thing for a while, and now isn't a thing anymore, Toby and Matt (perth) are new guys I've had sex with (or who I am most likely going to have sex with) and then at point A I keep meeting more and more people, and catching up with friends from China, and maybe going on two dates from tinder, and then Alex has kind of come into my life a bit more. There are too many characters and its getting harder for me to follow the plot, or to make a plot.
So that's one problem. What are some other problems? Although I don't want to focus too much on problem solving, because I want to be pro active and not just reactive. Another problem is using my phone/facebook/tinder/other scrolly distractions to fill the void in my life, so whenever I feel sad I reach for my phone and don't allow myself to feel sad. Another problem is that I don't think deeply about my life, and so kind of just coast through with a general sense of malcontent but mainly numb to how i feel, or actively ignoring it. I miss Jacinta so much. I keep crying every time I think about it.
So some challenges I will set myself this week.
No using internet on my phone except for at a certain time each day.
Blog every night. Use this blog as a diary.
No preservatives, so go on a super bland diet, nothing processed, plan all my boring meals etc (which means no maccas tomorrow morning) - can eat some fun things on the weekends, like alcohol
Exercise intensely one time per day (point a, giant run, dancing, a swim, ross night? or something)
But how can I start working my way toward larger projects? Oh no. What if I just don't have what it takes to be a writer? or to create a big project? My whole life will disappoint me if I can't do this. OK so I better start actually trying to do it then.
So how can I do uni assignments, as well as other projects? And fit it all into the routine? What is the routine?
So it's going to be...
Wake up early, have a simple breakfast, make tea in a thermos,
get to uni by 8am.
study at uni, have lunch,
then do whatever/ read/go for a walk/ go exercise/ get coffee with friends, nap if you really want
then if I haven't yet I exercise,
Super simple Dinner at home, and then I plan my day the next day, plan lunch, plan clothes and most importantly plan the work I want to get done.
Then write in my journal (this blog)
Then write a chapter of a book/ or a poem / or a scene from my show / or a short story / or a fictional blog / or something, anything that goes towards a larger goal (uni work can be included in this) -
intersperse all of this with guitar practice.
Read and stretch before bed.
Ok this is a good plan, basically all I have to worry about is the start and the end of the day. Like a sandwich where as long as I stick to the uni by 8am and the blog entry at night I will be content. And then to make it better I'll have something nice to wake up to, maybe a nice walk, or fancy breakfast, or hmm, I dunno something... and then something nice like reading to go to sleep to.
Ok for now,
I think print the essay, go home to sleep. and then wake super early to get to maccas by 4am maybe, then i can read the essay there, and try doing some work there, because i won't be heaps productive tonight anyway.
Make this week simple, with only a few social interactions. Right now, plan lunch/clothes and work for tomorrow. I can do this, my life is not going to waste. Everything will be ok. Everything will be OK.
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life recently and at the moment my day to day life is not up to scratch. I'm not productive, I create nothing, I'm lazy and spend too much time, thinking/fantasizing/worrying about boys. I've been trying to be social, and not lose all my friends while at uni, and I've been trying to focus on exercise which is definitely a positive thing, but I am progressing so slowly, or in fact not at all.
I don't want my life to just be about who I can get to fuck me, or how attractive I am, or how many friends I have. I want to build up the friendships that I do have, and build stronger family connections, because apparently that's the main thing that makes you happy later in life. But also I am so not happy with how my life is going, I'm so disappointed in myself.
I need a routine but its so hard to do a routine when you have one big assignment that just needs to subvert the routine this one time, and then you finish it, take a break, forget that you were supposed to do a routine and put off the next assignment with social and exercising until you make a new routine that can start just after you finish the next assignment.
What I really want is to have a life that I'm happy with, and not base any of my decisions around men, or dating. And to be settled in knowing that every day I'm slowly chipping away at bigger projects.
So I guess what I need is bigger projects to work on, to plan them and then figure out a timeline for them, or to break them down into smaller tasks. I think I've been getting overwhelmed because there have been a lot of new people in my life recently and not a lot of familiarity. Like I've never been so autonomous before, mum has barely helped me with assignments this semester (especially compared to last semester), Jacinta hasn't been around, don't speak to Matt as much as I used to and TJ was a confusing thing for a while, and now isn't a thing anymore, Toby and Matt (perth) are new guys I've had sex with (or who I am most likely going to have sex with) and then at point A I keep meeting more and more people, and catching up with friends from China, and maybe going on two dates from tinder, and then Alex has kind of come into my life a bit more. There are too many characters and its getting harder for me to follow the plot, or to make a plot.
So that's one problem. What are some other problems? Although I don't want to focus too much on problem solving, because I want to be pro active and not just reactive. Another problem is using my phone/facebook/tinder/other scrolly distractions to fill the void in my life, so whenever I feel sad I reach for my phone and don't allow myself to feel sad. Another problem is that I don't think deeply about my life, and so kind of just coast through with a general sense of malcontent but mainly numb to how i feel, or actively ignoring it. I miss Jacinta so much. I keep crying every time I think about it.
So some challenges I will set myself this week.
No using internet on my phone except for at a certain time each day.
Blog every night. Use this blog as a diary.
No preservatives, so go on a super bland diet, nothing processed, plan all my boring meals etc (which means no maccas tomorrow morning) - can eat some fun things on the weekends, like alcohol
Exercise intensely one time per day (point a, giant run, dancing, a swim, ross night? or something)
But how can I start working my way toward larger projects? Oh no. What if I just don't have what it takes to be a writer? or to create a big project? My whole life will disappoint me if I can't do this. OK so I better start actually trying to do it then.
So how can I do uni assignments, as well as other projects? And fit it all into the routine? What is the routine?
So it's going to be...
Wake up early, have a simple breakfast, make tea in a thermos,
get to uni by 8am.
study at uni, have lunch,
then do whatever/ read/go for a walk/ go exercise/ get coffee with friends, nap if you really want
then if I haven't yet I exercise,
Super simple Dinner at home, and then I plan my day the next day, plan lunch, plan clothes and most importantly plan the work I want to get done.
Then write in my journal (this blog)
Then write a chapter of a book/ or a poem / or a scene from my show / or a short story / or a fictional blog / or something, anything that goes towards a larger goal (uni work can be included in this) -
intersperse all of this with guitar practice.
Read and stretch before bed.
Ok this is a good plan, basically all I have to worry about is the start and the end of the day. Like a sandwich where as long as I stick to the uni by 8am and the blog entry at night I will be content. And then to make it better I'll have something nice to wake up to, maybe a nice walk, or fancy breakfast, or hmm, I dunno something... and then something nice like reading to go to sleep to.
Ok for now,
I think print the essay, go home to sleep. and then wake super early to get to maccas by 4am maybe, then i can read the essay there, and try doing some work there, because i won't be heaps productive tonight anyway.
Make this week simple, with only a few social interactions. Right now, plan lunch/clothes and work for tomorrow. I can do this, my life is not going to waste. Everything will be ok. Everything will be OK.
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