Heart don't fail me now, courage don't desert me, don't look back now that we're heeere.
Three hours until I'm fucked. But I always say this, there is always this constant time limit that I'm racing towards but even if I miss it then I'm never really that fucked. Like if I fail a subject or get a bad grade I'll still be alive. I hate doing hard work. I feel so exhausted by it.
I had an epiphany on the way back from a hippie festival I went to. It was to not see uni as that big a part of my life. In fact to try and make it as small as possible in my mind. But this is hard to do when every assignment feels like running through mud. Energy. That's what I really need. I don't need everything in my life to slow down, or for there to be a whole lot of chances to sleep and take breaks, what I really need is an injection of energy and liveliness so I can live up to the challenges that I want to be facing.
Where do I get energy from? Will enough sleep, a low gi, high kale diet and exercise regime really be enough? Maybe I should try it for awhile and see..
Tuesday, 18 April 2017
Wednesday, 5 April 2017
Is all romance fabricated? and also some actual romance
The way that I view my own life, things that have happened and things yet come changes multiple times everyday. I switch from an overly ambitious feeling of elation to a depressed deafeatist to a quiet hopeful, to not content and deeply inspired to make drastic changes. The way that I live doesn't change too much, what I actually manage to achieve each day, although its been deteriorating slowly and my empathy has been fading away over the last few years, my daily activities when you look at them from week to week remain exactly the same.
So my question is, does my hope count for anything, given that it only ever lasts a few hours. Sometimes I do think about my life romantically, and I definitely try to hold onto that feeling, but it always slips away, and what I'm left with is my routine, showering, putting my washing on, forgetting to call my friend, figuring out food. Even the more exciting activities, like practicing guitar and reading seem mundane when I'm not seeing "la vie en rose".
I think what the romantic feeling reflects is my belief that everything means something. All of it counts, and there is a point to everything. I've been see sawing between this belief and a complete lack of faith/meaning and maybe thats where the feelings and non feelings have come from.
Is it just a religion thing? Should I go back to church just for the point of instilling that warm hopeful feeling back inside? It is the most substantial feeling I've felt, being with God, and I haven't lost faith in him entirely.
Ok I'd like to include some scraps of things that have happened recently, just to preserve them. The man I have been sleeping with, in a non reltionship kind of way for the past few months, was wearing a super attractive jumper the other day, black and white, hooded, slim fit and I was surprised to find him so attractive in a public non sexual setting. He made a specific point to come talk to me for a while and it felt nice speaking and laughing in public. The last two times the sex felt strange because of a small bit of drama with another girl he's interested in, or at least used to be interested in. But I liked seeing him on Monday and I've been thinking about how handsome he looked all week now. And have been starting to crave him like I used to. Another thing that happened in the same night was I practiced some kendo with another friend, just as man i've been sleeping with was leaving. My kendo friend and I shared a brief moment recently, where I hugged him way too long, and then became embarrassed to which he responded by holding me even longer. He is recovering from a break up and also leaving the country soon so its not a good idea for either of us but I can't help but become flustered when I'm near him. Man i've been sleeping with is aware of the moment but said it didn't bother him. However as I faced off with kendo/moment friend I noticed him watching at the door he'd just left, for a couple of minutes, not sure what this implies.
Part of kendo (hitting each other with large sticks) involves eye contact, which of course made me flustered, and I couldn't do it and kept giggling. He suggested I look at his shoulders instead, his broad muscled shoulders, t-shirt stretched taut, his neck glistening with sweat, the memory of his rock solid body... I digress. That of course made me more flustered and then we fought, and I was terrible and a few times we came close and I pushed him with my body, and we were so close and there was so much aggression and energy between us. At the end of it all, we hugged (instead of handshake) and I once again held on too long, but this time in front of a whole bunch of people, hopefully it wasn't noticably strange, but who knows. He makes me feel so strange.
So my question is, does my hope count for anything, given that it only ever lasts a few hours. Sometimes I do think about my life romantically, and I definitely try to hold onto that feeling, but it always slips away, and what I'm left with is my routine, showering, putting my washing on, forgetting to call my friend, figuring out food. Even the more exciting activities, like practicing guitar and reading seem mundane when I'm not seeing "la vie en rose".
I think what the romantic feeling reflects is my belief that everything means something. All of it counts, and there is a point to everything. I've been see sawing between this belief and a complete lack of faith/meaning and maybe thats where the feelings and non feelings have come from.
Is it just a religion thing? Should I go back to church just for the point of instilling that warm hopeful feeling back inside? It is the most substantial feeling I've felt, being with God, and I haven't lost faith in him entirely.
Ok I'd like to include some scraps of things that have happened recently, just to preserve them. The man I have been sleeping with, in a non reltionship kind of way for the past few months, was wearing a super attractive jumper the other day, black and white, hooded, slim fit and I was surprised to find him so attractive in a public non sexual setting. He made a specific point to come talk to me for a while and it felt nice speaking and laughing in public. The last two times the sex felt strange because of a small bit of drama with another girl he's interested in, or at least used to be interested in. But I liked seeing him on Monday and I've been thinking about how handsome he looked all week now. And have been starting to crave him like I used to. Another thing that happened in the same night was I practiced some kendo with another friend, just as man i've been sleeping with was leaving. My kendo friend and I shared a brief moment recently, where I hugged him way too long, and then became embarrassed to which he responded by holding me even longer. He is recovering from a break up and also leaving the country soon so its not a good idea for either of us but I can't help but become flustered when I'm near him. Man i've been sleeping with is aware of the moment but said it didn't bother him. However as I faced off with kendo/moment friend I noticed him watching at the door he'd just left, for a couple of minutes, not sure what this implies.
Part of kendo (hitting each other with large sticks) involves eye contact, which of course made me flustered, and I couldn't do it and kept giggling. He suggested I look at his shoulders instead, his broad muscled shoulders, t-shirt stretched taut, his neck glistening with sweat, the memory of his rock solid body... I digress. That of course made me more flustered and then we fought, and I was terrible and a few times we came close and I pushed him with my body, and we were so close and there was so much aggression and energy between us. At the end of it all, we hugged (instead of handshake) and I once again held on too long, but this time in front of a whole bunch of people, hopefully it wasn't noticably strange, but who knows. He makes me feel so strange.
Sunday, 2 April 2017
Calloused emotions and a glimmer of hope
There used to be a time when I was extremely sentimental and whatever small or large matters life would throw at me, I would have an intense emotional reaction. When someone complimented me, I would take it deep down inside and smile at myself in the mirror all week thinking about it, when someone hugged me super hard, my whole body would relax under the pressure and I would feel safe and warm. If someone laughed nearby, I would worry it was for me and become completely ashamed and rush myself to a bathroom to check my fly and face in the mirror. When someone broke my heart, the weight of it crushed me to the ground everyday in tears, when my best friend betrayed my trust and I saw her in the arms of my love, the pain was intense and sharp, I believed I would never be happy again. When I used to feel ambitious about my life, I would believe that I could achieve everything, I'd have lists of languages to learn, number of books I'd like to write, imagined myself winning prestigious awards and living in a cottage in the woods with over-filled bookshelves on every wall and several reading nooks, and when I felt bad about my life, it wasn't worth living, I would never achieve anything and always be alone and all those other very unhelpful negative thought patterns.
The fact that i've learnt to manage the overwhelming pain is a good thing, but I think there is much more to it than just the managing slightly bi-polar sensitivities. I feel like life has let me down just a few too many times and I've learnt to not feel anything, I've grown calloused and joy seems a distant thing from the past. Like when I used to think about my childhood it was this magical place I could go to and the smells and movies from that time connected with something deep inside, and now I look at old photos with a sort of 'well how about that' attitude.
What I miss most is that moment when something clicks inside me, and there's a rush all through my body, like a wave of pins and needles that's over in just a few seconds and then I tear up because I'm so happy or so sad or so moved. There's this light that cuts to my core, its not necessarily a warmth, although sometimes if I need comfort that warmth enveloped me, but its better described as a spark, a diving into cold water, or a tug at a chord that's attached to your insides and lifts you up. I've gotten this feeling twice this year, in an extremely muted way, but its something I thought i had lost forever and to know it still exists somewhere inside of me would have been a massive relief to past emotional me (and is a minor shoulder shrug of contentment for today's numb me).
But how do I coerce this feeling out? I want to feel the rush again, those smushy happy feelings, or the intense sad ones, like when I'm listening to music, or when I've just figured something out in my head. Rather than just dating/sleeping with whoever I can have the least complications with, I want to love someone so hard, I want to get a crush again where it sticks and if they look at me I feel butterflies. A boy kissed me on the cheek to say hello after his gig I went to the other day and he is everything I would normally crush on, lovely and smiley and quirky and passionate about music and so fucking talented and one of the most attractive, interesting looking people. And I did think about it a bit, but I think I may have lost the capacity to feel feelings. This might be a good place to start with re awakening my own passions.
The fact that i've learnt to manage the overwhelming pain is a good thing, but I think there is much more to it than just the managing slightly bi-polar sensitivities. I feel like life has let me down just a few too many times and I've learnt to not feel anything, I've grown calloused and joy seems a distant thing from the past. Like when I used to think about my childhood it was this magical place I could go to and the smells and movies from that time connected with something deep inside, and now I look at old photos with a sort of 'well how about that' attitude.
What I miss most is that moment when something clicks inside me, and there's a rush all through my body, like a wave of pins and needles that's over in just a few seconds and then I tear up because I'm so happy or so sad or so moved. There's this light that cuts to my core, its not necessarily a warmth, although sometimes if I need comfort that warmth enveloped me, but its better described as a spark, a diving into cold water, or a tug at a chord that's attached to your insides and lifts you up. I've gotten this feeling twice this year, in an extremely muted way, but its something I thought i had lost forever and to know it still exists somewhere inside of me would have been a massive relief to past emotional me (and is a minor shoulder shrug of contentment for today's numb me).
But how do I coerce this feeling out? I want to feel the rush again, those smushy happy feelings, or the intense sad ones, like when I'm listening to music, or when I've just figured something out in my head. Rather than just dating/sleeping with whoever I can have the least complications with, I want to love someone so hard, I want to get a crush again where it sticks and if they look at me I feel butterflies. A boy kissed me on the cheek to say hello after his gig I went to the other day and he is everything I would normally crush on, lovely and smiley and quirky and passionate about music and so fucking talented and one of the most attractive, interesting looking people. And I did think about it a bit, but I think I may have lost the capacity to feel feelings. This might be a good place to start with re awakening my own passions.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)