There used to be a time when I was extremely sentimental and whatever small or large matters life would throw at me, I would have an intense emotional reaction. When someone complimented me, I would take it deep down inside and smile at myself in the mirror all week thinking about it, when someone hugged me super hard, my whole body would relax under the pressure and I would feel safe and warm. If someone laughed nearby, I would worry it was for me and become completely ashamed and rush myself to a bathroom to check my fly and face in the mirror. When someone broke my heart, the weight of it crushed me to the ground everyday in tears, when my best friend betrayed my trust and I saw her in the arms of my love, the pain was intense and sharp, I believed I would never be happy again. When I used to feel ambitious about my life, I would believe that I could achieve everything, I'd have lists of languages to learn, number of books I'd like to write, imagined myself winning prestigious awards and living in a cottage in the woods with over-filled bookshelves on every wall and several reading nooks, and when I felt bad about my life, it wasn't worth living, I would never achieve anything and always be alone and all those other very unhelpful negative thought patterns.
The fact that i've learnt to manage the overwhelming pain is a good thing, but I think there is much more to it than just the managing slightly bi-polar sensitivities. I feel like life has let me down just a few too many times and I've learnt to not feel anything, I've grown calloused and joy seems a distant thing from the past. Like when I used to think about my childhood it was this magical place I could go to and the smells and movies from that time connected with something deep inside, and now I look at old photos with a sort of 'well how about that' attitude.
What I miss most is that moment when something clicks inside me, and there's a rush all through my body, like a wave of pins and needles that's over in just a few seconds and then I tear up because I'm so happy or so sad or so moved. There's this light that cuts to my core, its not necessarily a warmth, although sometimes if I need comfort that warmth enveloped me, but its better described as a spark, a diving into cold water, or a tug at a chord that's attached to your insides and lifts you up. I've gotten this feeling twice this year, in an extremely muted way, but its something I thought i had lost forever and to know it still exists somewhere inside of me would have been a massive relief to past emotional me (and is a minor shoulder shrug of contentment for today's numb me).
But how do I coerce this feeling out? I want to feel the rush again, those smushy happy feelings, or the intense sad ones, like when I'm listening to music, or when I've just figured something out in my head. Rather than just dating/sleeping with whoever I can have the least complications with, I want to love someone so hard, I want to get a crush again where it sticks and if they look at me I feel butterflies. A boy kissed me on the cheek to say hello after his gig I went to the other day and he is everything I would normally crush on, lovely and smiley and quirky and passionate about music and so fucking talented and one of the most attractive, interesting looking people. And I did think about it a bit, but I think I may have lost the capacity to feel feelings. This might be a good place to start with re awakening my own passions.
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