Made up of words

Often when I write down and analyse my various states of being, I am unable to see the temporary nature of these states and assess them as if they have always been there and will always be there. When I felt hopeless the other night, the deep depression I felt inspired me to philosophise over my absolute and final loss of hope.

But that feeling didn't last. I pushed myself to work, got too tired, went home to sleep for 3 hours and accidentally slept for 9, worked a little more, became extremely anxious and had my mum sit with me while I finished off my assignment and then experienced a rush of happiness and ambition after submitting (which I think is related to being free of Matt's friendship).

I wrote a list of all the things I hope to achieve, I cleaned out my wardrobe, I again felt like my life would be worth living. But  I didn't take this feeling for granted, like I did with the depressed one. Perhaps there is something inherently sticky about the nature of depressed feelings which blocks out any realistic or in fact alternative perspectives.

I'm currently taking a course in self-writing, well I just completed it actually, shout out to my mother for her help. In this course we learned about the different ways to express the self and how over history their has been an evolving definition of what this self actually is. The course emphasised the process of writing as a sort of self discovery process to get at your true self; who you really are hidden under all that cultural influence and societal construct.

This blog presents a disjointed, contradictory girl who doesn't want men to dictate her life, but makes choices based solely on men, who "never" leaves her state of depression but at the same time samples from the lighter end of the emotional spectrum. Who hates study, can see no value in it, but also loves what she's learning and is ambitious to do well.
All these contrary parts of me, somehow fit together and make me who I am, and one day this will be all there is of me... creeeepy.

I am fond of this idea of using this as a self record, for my own gain to explore what it means to be me. I very much like the idea of noticing things about myself that I wouldn't have otherwise noticed.
The first self-aware observation I would like to make is that when I am depressed, I look inward and I look back and I process, and I process, and I wait to be lifted out, sometimes its awhile but my mood is consistent in its seesaw motion. On the other hand, when I am happy, I look forward, I make plans, I have ideas, and I look at the actions I can do, not looking outward but more just focusing on the task at hand. This mood I can slip very easily out of, like a slippery dip of realisation that happiness is fleeting, but this happens less than it used to. In happiness I can become lazy and too content and instead of waiting to be pulled up, I get distracted and before I know it I look around and see that I've been pulled back down; my mood is consistent in its seesaw motion.

giving up matt and trying to care about uni

and its down to the last minute again and I am so under-prepared and have so little motivation to finish. I don't want to do it. There is nothing in me that makes me want to do this.

I spent all of last night waiting around for Matt, getting upset with how little he considers me, finally talking to Matt and then deciding to never see Matt again, writing a letter to Matt telling him how much I care about him and then getting sad about Matt again. I feel like I can heal from him now though, so that's nice. No more thinking about Matt!


How can I push myself to do this work? I still want to get super hot and amazingly cool so that next time I see Matt - probably in a year's time, maybe in 5 months he is attracted to me.

It just occurred to me that I may never see him again in my entire life. That fact is really hard to swallow. He said if I needed him I could always call but the only thing I need from him is his love, and that is not on offer. What's the point of trying to get hot if I know that I'll never see him. Is that how shallow I have become? Is that how reliant on his approval I actually am. Ok I'll make a pact with myself that if I haven't seen him for a year, I will go visit him. That way its not such an indefinite separation, and it will make it easier to bear. We will always be friends, but I will always love him, so I don't have to worry about him not seeing me when I want to see him, because of course he will want to.

No more thinking about Matt! seriously considering a one night stand so I can move on properly. But I don't know how to instigate that.

So is there anything inside me that wants to pass my subjects at uni? Do I have any inspiring force within me that wants a degree, or wants a good life with a successful career? I think my problem is that often what I use to motivate me is this feeling of hope that's buried deep down. Hope that life has meaning, hope that what I do will impress someone else, or help someone else, or will in some way be relational so its not just me screaming into an empty room. Hope that one day my life will be about finding the beauty in everyday and living in the moment (eg learning to cook, hosting dinner parties, living in and exploring the city) but that source of hope is hard to find when I'm depressed. How do I tap into something that isn't there anymore.


I need something more substantial, something more external, something I can actually control. A time-frame, rewards, no I need something that will inspire me to get it done. I just care less and less about everything around and inside me its hard to make me care enough about this.

Ok. I've got it. I need to pretend its a job. Its my employment and my boss needs me to finish off this essay by tomorrow at midnight. Too bad if you're job sucks, if you don't do it, you'll get fired. Ok so the first thing that happens at a job, is I get a list of tasks to complete.

Right now I need to compile this list. I can do this, one step at a time. One teeny tiny baby step at a time. Fuck.