In figuring out what I want to be, I imagine myself being asked what I do by my favourite You Tuber in exactly 2 years time (at a convention or something). This seems shallow (as if all my aspirations amount to impressing attractive guys) but I assure you, this is not the case. This man has my love and appreciation because of his intelligence, his wit, and because he aspires to be a writer. He likes good books, I find him hilarious, and and he likes movies I like. If I were to meet a non-semi-famous person that had these attributes, then I'd imagine him instead, but I am yet to do so within my limited social circle.
I imagine him asking this question, because in my idealistic day dream I am awesome, and able to impress this man that so impresses me. I am confident in who I am, how I act and what I do. But what is it that I think makes me awesome? My imaginary response: "I am a writer, actually. Although I'm at that delicate stage where I'm not sure if I can call myself a writer yet, I've only had a handful of things published, short stories and articles; but a couple in scholarly journals; as in literally two things. Plus also I teach French, well I tutor, so its kind of like teaching." (this is 2 years away, not my life's ambition)
And there we have it, this is what I want to do; this is how I will feel the most confident in myself. If I have the talent, ability and stamina, I could actually try and might possibly not fail. Of course I'm not talking about wooing this man any more, that's just how I test it. I don't really care that once I (if I) reach success I might fail to woo any man altogether. OK maybe I care a little, I like men and the general being with them-ness, but I will still feel awesome and kick-ass in my own skin.
This imaginary response actually surprises me. I've always wanted to be a creative writer, but I didn't realise I wanted to publish articles of a more serious manner as well. And I want to be successful with a proper job, I kind of always assumed that I'd be working in cafes, and restaurants and writing as a hobby.
This passion of mine is getting serious now and I can't just push it aside. It will be hard, but it will be worth it, and I'll have to do boring stuff like research and then write pieces, and Lauren, don't you remember you have the worst panic attacks when you have big assignments to hand up and can your anxiety stand up to this massive challenge. I honestly have no idea.
For now, I will read and practice creative writing everyday, and start to read scholarly journals to see if that's really what I want to do (what I really r.. ok I'll stop). And I'll have to learn a shit ton more about the world than I know now. But if I do this, I will be fucking good at my job, and I will write succinctly and eloquently and if I do know shit tons about the world maybe I can start to think about Comedy. I get the sense that the only comedians of any worth studied law or international politics at uni, so that ones a far off goal.
I'm going camping this week. I have a lot of books to tick off my list, and a sleeping pattern to regain :D Overall I'm pretty excited to return in 4 days time, wiser, slimmer, tanned-er.
Sunday, 16 November 2014
Thursday, 13 November 2014
I didn't not do the things!
I did it, I attended my French exam. I didn't study for it, I couldn't concentrate. I can't sleep when I know I should be studying, which then makes it harder to study the next day. It's strange, I rarely feel tired, my brain just goes blank. But fuck it, I attended, not sure if I passed We will have to wait for the result. Edge of the seat stuff here. And I handed up my last assignment ridiculously late, but it's in!
I now no longer have any thing hanging over me. To celebrate I visited the library, and the movie store. I know, I'm pretty hardcore, I stayed up reading til the wee hours of the morning, I went a bit too hard, and now have a reading hangover (ironically hanging over me). My eyes are all dry, and I'm actually in the process of vomiting up a blog. The cure for a reading hangover is taking long showers, and sitting in an organic cafe, looking wistful as you ponder life's meaning over a vanilla soy latte.
Now I don't have study immobilising me, I'm going to finally go back to the gym, I gained 10 kilo's of.. let's call it study-stress weight. Have to lose some before the Christmas weight comes along. Not that I feel bad about myself, its just a lot of my clothes don't fit me any more and I really hate shopping.
This is where my story begins. My attempt at becoming a writer. I don't boast any skills or talent at the moment. This is practice. Well, part of it. This blog will be my diary, my public embarrassing diary that if I actually do make it as a writer, I will probably delete. I can't just do nothing with my holidays, I've done that too many times. And I will allow no boy to take me away from my passions, I've been there and as lonely as it is here, its better following my dreams.
I always thought that I had to pick a sensible career, like teacher, or translator or journalist, but the thing is, I could never choose, none of those appeal to me. I had this idea that wanting to be a writer, was the literary equivalent of saying I want to be rich and famous. I never dreamed it actually possible.
But then I took creative writing class this semester, and the first lecture, she talked about how much work had to go into it; the hours spent over editing and re writing and researching, and how much reading you have to do. All the time she was saying how hard it would be made me more excited to live up to the challenge. To write on everything, and then to maybe one day think of a story.
So let's be practical about this.
1. Read
Reading comes pretty naturally to me, so as long as I'm finishing a book a week, I don't need to push myself too hard with that one. For those playing at home. I will be trying to do the 'Rory Gilmore reading challenge'. 339 books, but they are all pretty classic. At the moment I'm reading 'high fidelity' because my favourite You Tuber said it was his favourite book. Yep I am that lame.
2. Read books about writing
I will read James Wood's 'how fiction works' and also Mark Tredinnick's 'the little red writing book' he does lots of practice exercises.
3. You Tube
My goal is, 1 vlog a week. I'm trying to make those one's humorous or fun. My you tube is 'Small Stories' if your interested.
4. Write
I have a purple folder, I want to fill it with short stories. (There's no time frame on this one)
Also I have to describe something or someone everyday in my notebook.
And I will blog here, for accountability and hopefully as a way to track how my writing improves.
Yay life
I now no longer have any thing hanging over me. To celebrate I visited the library, and the movie store. I know, I'm pretty hardcore, I stayed up reading til the wee hours of the morning, I went a bit too hard, and now have a reading hangover (ironically hanging over me). My eyes are all dry, and I'm actually in the process of vomiting up a blog. The cure for a reading hangover is taking long showers, and sitting in an organic cafe, looking wistful as you ponder life's meaning over a vanilla soy latte.
Now I don't have study immobilising me, I'm going to finally go back to the gym, I gained 10 kilo's of.. let's call it study-stress weight. Have to lose some before the Christmas weight comes along. Not that I feel bad about myself, its just a lot of my clothes don't fit me any more and I really hate shopping.
This is where my story begins. My attempt at becoming a writer. I don't boast any skills or talent at the moment. This is practice. Well, part of it. This blog will be my diary, my public embarrassing diary that if I actually do make it as a writer, I will probably delete. I can't just do nothing with my holidays, I've done that too many times. And I will allow no boy to take me away from my passions, I've been there and as lonely as it is here, its better following my dreams.
I always thought that I had to pick a sensible career, like teacher, or translator or journalist, but the thing is, I could never choose, none of those appeal to me. I had this idea that wanting to be a writer, was the literary equivalent of saying I want to be rich and famous. I never dreamed it actually possible.
But then I took creative writing class this semester, and the first lecture, she talked about how much work had to go into it; the hours spent over editing and re writing and researching, and how much reading you have to do. All the time she was saying how hard it would be made me more excited to live up to the challenge. To write on everything, and then to maybe one day think of a story.
So let's be practical about this.
1. Read
Reading comes pretty naturally to me, so as long as I'm finishing a book a week, I don't need to push myself too hard with that one. For those playing at home. I will be trying to do the 'Rory Gilmore reading challenge'. 339 books, but they are all pretty classic. At the moment I'm reading 'high fidelity' because my favourite You Tuber said it was his favourite book. Yep I am that lame.
2. Read books about writing
I will read James Wood's 'how fiction works' and also Mark Tredinnick's 'the little red writing book' he does lots of practice exercises.
3. You Tube
My goal is, 1 vlog a week. I'm trying to make those one's humorous or fun. My you tube is 'Small Stories' if your interested.
4. Write
I have a purple folder, I want to fill it with short stories. (There's no time frame on this one)
Also I have to describe something or someone everyday in my notebook.
And I will blog here, for accountability and hopefully as a way to track how my writing improves.
Yay life
Tuesday, 11 November 2014
Failing Uni Yet Again
I am on the verge of failing yet another 2 subjects at university; I have 8 hours until my French exam for which I am ridiculously under prepared and it seemed an appropriate time to start a blog.
It always follows the same pattern, I get so excited at the beginning with grand illusions of how I will be a HD student and win at everything. I start to burn out about 4 or 5 weeks in and almost always crash by week 8. Sometimes I will pull through at the last minute (or a week before everything is due) and I just make it, but every semester, without fail (wordplay!) I fail at least one subject.
I thought this was going to be it. This was going to be the semester where everything was different. And up until a few weeks ago this was still very much possible. True I began to burn out, and I hadn't handed every little thing up, but I hadn't completely given up on a subject, which I normally do by week 8. Technically I still haven't and technically I could still pass everything. Technically.
I took a year off from study because I wanted my anxiety to improve before I came back. I think I matured a little, and so parts of my anxiety left, but I guess not enough. I think all it really did was take away the few study habits I did have.
I am not a philosopher or a poet, I'm barely a writer. But I will post my thoughts and experiences on here. Will I pull through and attend the exam? Will I hand up the assignment? Tune in next time to find out!
Also I have to make a few big decisions soon, like will I return to this hell we call tertiary education next year and what do I want from life, do I really want to travel or is it just something I think I should be doing, do I really want a boyfriend or am I just lonely and will I actually try to be a writer. That's the main theme of this blog, actually, whether or not I will become a writer or not. But you just caught me at a weird time in my life (what the fuck are you talking about Lauren you chose to start th... shhh..) Hopefully after tomorrow, I am free from study stress and then my life will be about reading and writing. hopefully.
It always follows the same pattern, I get so excited at the beginning with grand illusions of how I will be a HD student and win at everything. I start to burn out about 4 or 5 weeks in and almost always crash by week 8. Sometimes I will pull through at the last minute (or a week before everything is due) and I just make it, but every semester, without fail (wordplay!) I fail at least one subject.
I thought this was going to be it. This was going to be the semester where everything was different. And up until a few weeks ago this was still very much possible. True I began to burn out, and I hadn't handed every little thing up, but I hadn't completely given up on a subject, which I normally do by week 8. Technically I still haven't and technically I could still pass everything. Technically.
I took a year off from study because I wanted my anxiety to improve before I came back. I think I matured a little, and so parts of my anxiety left, but I guess not enough. I think all it really did was take away the few study habits I did have.
Over the past few weeks, or months I guess now (its funny how time just accumulates itself like that), I've not been able to think. I go through the motions of study but my brain hasn't really been switched on. I have trouble sleeping when I'm anxious, and unfortunately I get anxious whenever I have anything due, which is pretty much all throughout the semester. So I haven't really slept properly for weeks, and sometimes when I get too stressed my mind just goes blank and I kind of forget how to think any more.
So to anyone else (well anyone who this doesn't affect) its simply, you've got to push through, and knuckle down. But for me I have to go through this massive amount of bullshit before I can remember things like 'pen goes in hand', 'learning lives in book' and 'read chapter to win'.
So to anyone else (well anyone who this doesn't affect) its simply, you've got to push through, and knuckle down. But for me I have to go through this massive amount of bullshit before I can remember things like 'pen goes in hand', 'learning lives in book' and 'read chapter to win'.
I'll sit in front of my French notebook for hours just looking at it, not really sure how to start. Once during one of these times of blanking out, I felt my pulse and it was racing, like faster than if I had just ran a marathon. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anything. It was so strange.
Its weird how my anxiety has developed, it used to be, I'd study just fine, but then when I'd have a big assignment, I'd get about half way through and realise I was being over ambitious and then freak out, because I wanted it to be perfect and then I'd have a break down over the assignment, telling myself I'm a failure in everything, then I cry a lot, want to hurt myself and stop attending classes for that subject, often even if i had most of the big assignment done, I would not hand anything up, and I'd fail.
Then I went through the phase where I was too scared to start my assignment because I hated feeling that way. I'd avoid it, and then I'd beat myself up for being lazy. Often I'd just not get out of bed, so I don't have to face the reality of life, thus screwing up all my other subjects as well.
Then the numb phase, which I've already talked about a bit, where I just sit and stare and am unable to even think about study, maybe my body is trying to protect itself by shutting my brain off. This one switches on and off, so I just have to cram as much into the off times as possible.
Then I went through the phase where I was too scared to start my assignment because I hated feeling that way. I'd avoid it, and then I'd beat myself up for being lazy. Often I'd just not get out of bed, so I don't have to face the reality of life, thus screwing up all my other subjects as well.
Then the numb phase, which I've already talked about a bit, where I just sit and stare and am unable to even think about study, maybe my body is trying to protect itself by shutting my brain off. This one switches on and off, so I just have to cram as much into the off times as possible.
This semester I've tried to do more with my time than just sit and stare blankly, because what a waste of my life. Its complicated because in a way, its a positive thing, to watch movies and YouTube and spend time with my sisters, its a lot better than sitting crying. But then also, it is procrastinating and I should just study. Whenever I ditch a friend for study, what I end up doing is never study. I cry, or I YouTube or I sleep. Mostly I sleep. And no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired.
Currently I have one creative writing assignment (which is completely written, I just need to edit and print it) overdue by 9 days and I have my French exam tomorrow.
I am super sad because for a brief moment there, during semester, I thought I was done with all this anxiety crap. I started having ideas, and thinking freely, and dreaming, and being ambitious about my life and I started being creative. And I can't fail anything again. How did I do this again?
I just sleep my way through life, how am I OK with this, and more importantly what does it look like if I were to wake up? I haven't felt awake in such a long time. I would have to pro-actively plan a study schedule, and a writing schedule and make sure I rest and socialise at night time. oh yeah and just magically not have anxiety. As much as its important to recognise it as a real disease, I think sometimes the internet gives anxiety a little too much credit. Because sometimes, I can push myself over that wall, and it can get nice and comfortable having anxiety to rest on as an excuse when I've not done something. (this is my personal experience with anxiety, and by no means at all, is me commenting on anxiety in general).
If I can't get this done tomorrow, then that's it, I failed. I think I've already failed my French, I have not been revising. Normally its my favourite. I have to at least go,
I just sleep my way through life, how am I OK with this, and more importantly what does it look like if I were to wake up? I haven't felt awake in such a long time. I would have to pro-actively plan a study schedule, and a writing schedule and make sure I rest and socialise at night time. oh yeah and just magically not have anxiety. As much as its important to recognise it as a real disease, I think sometimes the internet gives anxiety a little too much credit. Because sometimes, I can push myself over that wall, and it can get nice and comfortable having anxiety to rest on as an excuse when I've not done something. (this is my personal experience with anxiety, and by no means at all, is me commenting on anxiety in general).
If I can't get this done tomorrow, then that's it, I failed. I think I've already failed my French, I have not been revising. Normally its my favourite. I have to at least go,
I am not a philosopher or a poet, I'm barely a writer. But I will post my thoughts and experiences on here. Will I pull through and attend the exam? Will I hand up the assignment? Tune in next time to find out!
Also I have to make a few big decisions soon, like will I return to this hell we call tertiary education next year and what do I want from life, do I really want to travel or is it just something I think I should be doing, do I really want a boyfriend or am I just lonely and will I actually try to be a writer. That's the main theme of this blog, actually, whether or not I will become a writer or not. But you just caught me at a weird time in my life (what the fuck are you talking about Lauren you chose to start th... shhh..) Hopefully after tomorrow, I am free from study stress and then my life will be about reading and writing. hopefully.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)