I now have a nemesis. I have never burned so hot with fiery hatred, never felt so strongly that I wanted someone dead. Sure there was the heartbreak of several years ago that made me feel some pretty intense death wishes, but that was tied up with the lingering affection and love I still felt. For this person, there was never any love, just pity, and then lust, and then fascination, and then shame, embarrassment, recklessness, self destruction, complete worthlessness and then pure, unrefined hatred.
They made me feel as if I was nothing. It sounds so petty to get so angry over someone that disrespected me. But the amount of self worth I lost by interacting with them, and the fact that they don't care at all how I'm feeling, or even acknowledge my existence fills me with restless frustration.
We had an encounter, and he swore me to secrecy, so I don't want to give too many details in case any one I know ever reads this and they try to figure out who it is. But I feel like if I'm vague enough it will be ok.
I don't want to say exactly how they hurt me, but basically there was a misunderstanding in that I shared the big secret I was supposed to keep with someone I was seeing, a close friend. I told my nemesis that I had to reveal the secret to this other person, because I didn't want to be dishonest and untruthful (different things) and the conceited asshole got angry and labelled me as untrustworthy because I broke our "agreement".
The nature of secrets that I have always understood to be true, is that they can be shared in confidence with people, especially significant others. Obviously myself and the arrogant piece of shit fundamentally disagreed about this, but he shut me out completely and wouldn't let me explain, or apologise. I just became nothing to him.
Three days after this, for completely different and unrelated reasons, I tried to kill myself. Recovering from that I decided to try and make peace with everything in my life including this. I tried with him, I tried to make amends, I tried a peace offering, I tried apologizing and its as if I don't exist to him.
It's like I'm fighting for my right to be acknowledged as a person, to prove that I exist, that I'm important, that I have worth. And it hits me so hard, because his treatment of me is exactly how I see myself deep down, its the exact same feeling that I've been trying to combat with positive thoughts and calming breaths. Everything he did just reinforces that worthless, self-despising, everything-is-meaningless feeling in me. He is my suicidal thoughts personified.
There are two forces within me, one that just wants to fucking die already, and one that is specifically fighting against this death wish. The harder I try to die, the stronger the life affirming part of me gets. This is where my anger comes from, from the side that chooses life. It is a base and corporeal reaction that strikes out at any feelings of worthlessness. This is why I crave his head on a pike, this is why it makes me burn so hot. I may not know how to stop this searing aggression I feel toward him, but at least I understand it a bit better now.
