I used to find every opportunity I could to sing, be it in my car, practising scales, singing Disney in the shower or belting out Les Mis when no one else was home. I loved it, and the louder the better. I don't do this any more. Whatever spark was inside me that inspired such an outpouring of my soul is now dulled beyond comprehension. Is it just the guy thing? I put a lot of emphasis on connections and relationships and making someone else happy seems to be at the top of the list of things that make me happy, so the fact that nobody likes me kind of tears away at the very centre of my being.
Or is it something else? Each time I pick up the guitar now I just think what's the point and end up throwing it down and lying on my bed for long periods of time.
I have a theory I've recently developed that when people lose hope in the world, or faith in humanity or become cynical beyond repair, its not because not enough people were nice to them, or they didn't witness enough decent human beings, but it was that their own acts of kindness made no difference to anyone, and the friend they tried to help remained unhelped and their encouragements fell on deaf ears.
Maybe this has something to do with why I'm down. Theorising over my depression is probably not the most helpful thing to do psychologically speaking, as in the process means I have to dwell in this darkness rather than try to find a way out. But I want to understand it.
Last Christmas I realised that I was no longer a nice person. This used to be my main identifier, the one adjective I could feel confident everyone agreed upon about me. But not realising that I wasn't even that any more. The ground felt as if it was being pulled from underneath me, I didn't know who I was and it feels like I've been living in this empty shell trying to fake the person I used to be ever since. Maybe this has something to do with my depression. But even in that state I would still sing.
I'm losing more and more parts of myself, I've stopped smiling at strangers, and I smile at friends less and less.
These are all philosophical reasons, but the one I feel most strongly about is the one about boys. I don't know how to try at this whole dating game thing without getting depressed at every rejection. I feel like I want to renounce men completely from my life, because it hurts me so much every time they don't message back, I had someone unmatch me after I said hi on tinder the other day. But the life of loneliness, isolation, and sleeping alone with no one who cares about me and no one to care for, is laid out before me whenever I consider that option and I don't know what's worse. It seems that the only two options I have are constant embarrassment, rejection and feeling unworthy in the impossible-to-win dating game, or a life alone, and devoid of love or meaning.
OK I'm starting to understand my depression a little more now,..
...Yay ...I feel sooo much better now.. (deep seething sarcasm intended).
Saturday, 23 April 2016
Friday, 22 April 2016
Read the other posts - this one is depressing
As this man fades from my life, as his embrace can no longer be recalled upon as a recent memory, I realise how much it was that I actually felt for him, and how hard it is to find someone else to feel the same things for.
I cry over him all the time, it still hurts me inside that he is with other women, or even worse with another woman. I hate this. I am so depressed and its been months, I should be over this by now, but I'm not. I still want him back, why does this hurt so much? I hate that I am so vulnerable and I hate that things like this affect me so much. It means that I can't give my heart away to anyone unless I am guaranteed they will never leave me, and the types of people who are guaranteed to never leave are not generally the ones you want hanging around.
His existence is worse in only memory form because I forget how unreliable and dodgy he was. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, is bad with money, and would constantly prioritise me lower than his friends, his drinking and his travels. He was still in love with his ex fiance. What is the matter with me, how could I possibly find this guy appealing.
But I did, and I do.
And i've failed a lot recently at my other attempts with guys, my confidence with men has never been lower and just the thought of trying again at dating or at tinder, is not only exhausting but brings about those feelings of disappointment, depression, rejection and heart break before i've even met anyone. It brings me so low, where I can't talk or express anything, but can only see my own shortcomings fading to black and can only feel a stabbing pain in my gut followed by numbness.
I asked for someone's number the other day, in a burst of out of character confidence, they seem keen when I'm there (3 times we've met) but have put in no effort to keep in contact with me, I'm 90% sure they are not interested in me, which is a shame because they are one of the most interesting and fun people i have ever met. And then there was my recently single friend who I thought would want to have rebound sex with me, he ended up having to politely tell me he wasn't interested in anything after several of my attempts at hooking up with him (some more drunken and less lady like than others) and the one tinder person I did meet and spent the night with, just cuddling and a little fooling around, because I don't like opening myself up to new people (my heart or my legs), and he never messaged back after two attempts on my part.
This whole not having a partner thing feels important and it feels like the longer I wait the older I'll look, the looser my skin will be, the more cynical, and the less appealing I will be to the opposite sex. So basically with every year that goes past I have not only less options, but less chance at making someone like me.
I know that there are good, likeable points about me, and I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I am growing more and more frustrated at how much I fail at this and I'm losing my ability to be happy and cheerful in group situations, like going out to town, and no one wants to hit on a depressed person.
I cry over him all the time, it still hurts me inside that he is with other women, or even worse with another woman. I hate this. I am so depressed and its been months, I should be over this by now, but I'm not. I still want him back, why does this hurt so much? I hate that I am so vulnerable and I hate that things like this affect me so much. It means that I can't give my heart away to anyone unless I am guaranteed they will never leave me, and the types of people who are guaranteed to never leave are not generally the ones you want hanging around.
His existence is worse in only memory form because I forget how unreliable and dodgy he was. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, is bad with money, and would constantly prioritise me lower than his friends, his drinking and his travels. He was still in love with his ex fiance. What is the matter with me, how could I possibly find this guy appealing.
But I did, and I do.
And i've failed a lot recently at my other attempts with guys, my confidence with men has never been lower and just the thought of trying again at dating or at tinder, is not only exhausting but brings about those feelings of disappointment, depression, rejection and heart break before i've even met anyone. It brings me so low, where I can't talk or express anything, but can only see my own shortcomings fading to black and can only feel a stabbing pain in my gut followed by numbness.
I asked for someone's number the other day, in a burst of out of character confidence, they seem keen when I'm there (3 times we've met) but have put in no effort to keep in contact with me, I'm 90% sure they are not interested in me, which is a shame because they are one of the most interesting and fun people i have ever met. And then there was my recently single friend who I thought would want to have rebound sex with me, he ended up having to politely tell me he wasn't interested in anything after several of my attempts at hooking up with him (some more drunken and less lady like than others) and the one tinder person I did meet and spent the night with, just cuddling and a little fooling around, because I don't like opening myself up to new people (my heart or my legs), and he never messaged back after two attempts on my part.
This whole not having a partner thing feels important and it feels like the longer I wait the older I'll look, the looser my skin will be, the more cynical, and the less appealing I will be to the opposite sex. So basically with every year that goes past I have not only less options, but less chance at making someone like me.
I know that there are good, likeable points about me, and I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I am growing more and more frustrated at how much I fail at this and I'm losing my ability to be happy and cheerful in group situations, like going out to town, and no one wants to hit on a depressed person.
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