I don't sing anymore

I used to find every opportunity I could to sing, be it in my car, practising scales, singing Disney in the shower or belting out Les Mis when no one else was home. I loved it, and the louder the better. I don't do this any more. Whatever spark was inside me that inspired such an outpouring of my soul is now dulled beyond comprehension. Is it just the guy thing? I put a lot of emphasis on connections and relationships and making someone else happy seems to be at the top of the list of things that make me happy, so the fact that nobody likes me kind of tears away at the very centre of my being.

Or is it something else? Each time I pick up the guitar now I just think what's the point and end up throwing it down and lying on my bed for long periods of time.

I have a theory I've recently developed that when people lose hope in the world, or faith in humanity or become cynical beyond repair, its not because not enough people were nice to them, or they didn't witness enough decent human beings, but it was that their own acts of kindness made no difference to anyone, and the friend they tried to help remained unhelped and their encouragements fell on deaf ears.

Maybe this has something to do with why I'm down. Theorising over my depression is probably not the most helpful thing to do psychologically speaking, as in the process means I have to dwell in this darkness rather than try to find a way out. But I want to understand it.

Last Christmas I realised that I was no longer a nice person. This used to be my main identifier, the one adjective I could feel confident everyone agreed upon about me. But not realising that I wasn't even that any more. The ground felt as if it was being pulled from underneath me, I didn't know who I was and it feels like I've been living in this empty shell trying to fake the person I used to be ever since. Maybe this has something to do with my depression. But even in that state I would still sing.

I'm losing more and more parts of myself, I've stopped smiling at strangers, and I smile at friends less and less.

These are all philosophical reasons, but the one I feel most strongly about is the one about boys. I don't know how to try at this whole dating game thing without getting depressed at every rejection. I feel like I want to renounce men completely from my life, because it hurts me so much every time they don't message back, I had someone unmatch me after I said hi on tinder the other day. But the life of loneliness, isolation, and sleeping alone with no one who cares about me and no one to care for, is laid out before me whenever I consider that option and I don't know what's worse. It seems that the only two options I have are constant embarrassment, rejection and feeling unworthy in the impossible-to-win dating game, or a life alone, and devoid of love or meaning.

OK I'm starting to understand my depression a little more now,..

...Yay ...I feel sooo much better now.. (deep seething sarcasm intended).