As this man fades from my life, as his embrace can no longer be recalled upon as a recent memory, I realise how much it was that I actually felt for him, and how hard it is to find someone else to feel the same things for.
I cry over him all the time, it still hurts me inside that he is with other women, or even worse with another woman. I hate this. I am so depressed and its been months, I should be over this by now, but I'm not. I still want him back, why does this hurt so much? I hate that I am so vulnerable and I hate that things like this affect me so much. It means that I can't give my heart away to anyone unless I am guaranteed they will never leave me, and the types of people who are guaranteed to never leave are not generally the ones you want hanging around.
His existence is worse in only memory form because I forget how unreliable and dodgy he was. He does drugs, is an alcoholic, is bad with money, and would constantly prioritise me lower than his friends, his drinking and his travels. He was still in love with his ex fiance. What is the matter with me, how could I possibly find this guy appealing.
But I did, and I do.
And i've failed a lot recently at my other attempts with guys, my confidence with men has never been lower and just the thought of trying again at dating or at tinder, is not only exhausting but brings about those feelings of disappointment, depression, rejection and heart break before i've even met anyone. It brings me so low, where I can't talk or express anything, but can only see my own shortcomings fading to black and can only feel a stabbing pain in my gut followed by numbness.
I asked for someone's number the other day, in a burst of out of character confidence, they seem keen when I'm there (3 times we've met) but have put in no effort to keep in contact with me, I'm 90% sure they are not interested in me, which is a shame because they are one of the most interesting and fun people i have ever met. And then there was my recently single friend who I thought would want to have rebound sex with me, he ended up having to politely tell me he wasn't interested in anything after several of my attempts at hooking up with him (some more drunken and less lady like than others) and the one tinder person I did meet and spent the night with, just cuddling and a little fooling around, because I don't like opening myself up to new people (my heart or my legs), and he never messaged back after two attempts on my part.
This whole not having a partner thing feels important and it feels like the longer I wait the older I'll look, the looser my skin will be, the more cynical, and the less appealing I will be to the opposite sex. So basically with every year that goes past I have not only less options, but less chance at making someone like me.
I know that there are good, likeable points about me, and I can't see what I'm doing wrong. I am growing more and more frustrated at how much I fail at this and I'm losing my ability to be happy and cheerful in group situations, like going out to town, and no one wants to hit on a depressed person.
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