It always follows the same pattern, I get so excited at the beginning with grand illusions of how I will be a HD student and win at everything. I start to burn out about 4 or 5 weeks in and almost always crash by week 8. Sometimes I will pull through at the last minute (or a week before everything is due) and I just make it, but every semester, without fail (wordplay!) I fail at least one subject.
I thought this was going to be it. This was going to be the semester where everything was different. And up until a few weeks ago this was still very much possible. True I began to burn out, and I hadn't handed every little thing up, but I hadn't completely given up on a subject, which I normally do by week 8. Technically I still haven't and technically I could still pass everything. Technically.
I took a year off from study because I wanted my anxiety to improve before I came back. I think I matured a little, and so parts of my anxiety left, but I guess not enough. I think all it really did was take away the few study habits I did have.
Over the past few weeks, or months I guess now (its funny how time just accumulates itself like that), I've not been able to think. I go through the motions of study but my brain hasn't really been switched on. I have trouble sleeping when I'm anxious, and unfortunately I get anxious whenever I have anything due, which is pretty much all throughout the semester. So I haven't really slept properly for weeks, and sometimes when I get too stressed my mind just goes blank and I kind of forget how to think any more.
So to anyone else (well anyone who this doesn't affect) its simply, you've got to push through, and knuckle down. But for me I have to go through this massive amount of bullshit before I can remember things like 'pen goes in hand', 'learning lives in book' and 'read chapter to win'.
So to anyone else (well anyone who this doesn't affect) its simply, you've got to push through, and knuckle down. But for me I have to go through this massive amount of bullshit before I can remember things like 'pen goes in hand', 'learning lives in book' and 'read chapter to win'.
I'll sit in front of my French notebook for hours just looking at it, not really sure how to start. Once during one of these times of blanking out, I felt my pulse and it was racing, like faster than if I had just ran a marathon. I didn't feel scared, I didn't feel anything. It was so strange.
Its weird how my anxiety has developed, it used to be, I'd study just fine, but then when I'd have a big assignment, I'd get about half way through and realise I was being over ambitious and then freak out, because I wanted it to be perfect and then I'd have a break down over the assignment, telling myself I'm a failure in everything, then I cry a lot, want to hurt myself and stop attending classes for that subject, often even if i had most of the big assignment done, I would not hand anything up, and I'd fail.
Then I went through the phase where I was too scared to start my assignment because I hated feeling that way. I'd avoid it, and then I'd beat myself up for being lazy. Often I'd just not get out of bed, so I don't have to face the reality of life, thus screwing up all my other subjects as well.
Then the numb phase, which I've already talked about a bit, where I just sit and stare and am unable to even think about study, maybe my body is trying to protect itself by shutting my brain off. This one switches on and off, so I just have to cram as much into the off times as possible.
Then I went through the phase where I was too scared to start my assignment because I hated feeling that way. I'd avoid it, and then I'd beat myself up for being lazy. Often I'd just not get out of bed, so I don't have to face the reality of life, thus screwing up all my other subjects as well.
Then the numb phase, which I've already talked about a bit, where I just sit and stare and am unable to even think about study, maybe my body is trying to protect itself by shutting my brain off. This one switches on and off, so I just have to cram as much into the off times as possible.
This semester I've tried to do more with my time than just sit and stare blankly, because what a waste of my life. Its complicated because in a way, its a positive thing, to watch movies and YouTube and spend time with my sisters, its a lot better than sitting crying. But then also, it is procrastinating and I should just study. Whenever I ditch a friend for study, what I end up doing is never study. I cry, or I YouTube or I sleep. Mostly I sleep. And no matter how much I sleep, I still feel tired.
Currently I have one creative writing assignment (which is completely written, I just need to edit and print it) overdue by 9 days and I have my French exam tomorrow.
I am super sad because for a brief moment there, during semester, I thought I was done with all this anxiety crap. I started having ideas, and thinking freely, and dreaming, and being ambitious about my life and I started being creative. And I can't fail anything again. How did I do this again?
I just sleep my way through life, how am I OK with this, and more importantly what does it look like if I were to wake up? I haven't felt awake in such a long time. I would have to pro-actively plan a study schedule, and a writing schedule and make sure I rest and socialise at night time. oh yeah and just magically not have anxiety. As much as its important to recognise it as a real disease, I think sometimes the internet gives anxiety a little too much credit. Because sometimes, I can push myself over that wall, and it can get nice and comfortable having anxiety to rest on as an excuse when I've not done something. (this is my personal experience with anxiety, and by no means at all, is me commenting on anxiety in general).
If I can't get this done tomorrow, then that's it, I failed. I think I've already failed my French, I have not been revising. Normally its my favourite. I have to at least go,
I just sleep my way through life, how am I OK with this, and more importantly what does it look like if I were to wake up? I haven't felt awake in such a long time. I would have to pro-actively plan a study schedule, and a writing schedule and make sure I rest and socialise at night time. oh yeah and just magically not have anxiety. As much as its important to recognise it as a real disease, I think sometimes the internet gives anxiety a little too much credit. Because sometimes, I can push myself over that wall, and it can get nice and comfortable having anxiety to rest on as an excuse when I've not done something. (this is my personal experience with anxiety, and by no means at all, is me commenting on anxiety in general).
If I can't get this done tomorrow, then that's it, I failed. I think I've already failed my French, I have not been revising. Normally its my favourite. I have to at least go,
I am not a philosopher or a poet, I'm barely a writer. But I will post my thoughts and experiences on here. Will I pull through and attend the exam? Will I hand up the assignment? Tune in next time to find out!
Also I have to make a few big decisions soon, like will I return to this hell we call tertiary education next year and what do I want from life, do I really want to travel or is it just something I think I should be doing, do I really want a boyfriend or am I just lonely and will I actually try to be a writer. That's the main theme of this blog, actually, whether or not I will become a writer or not. But you just caught me at a weird time in my life (what the fuck are you talking about Lauren you chose to start th... shhh..) Hopefully after tomorrow, I am free from study stress and then my life will be about reading and writing. hopefully.
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