In figuring out what I want to be, I imagine myself being asked what I do by my favourite You Tuber in exactly 2 years time (at a convention or something). This seems shallow (as if all my aspirations amount to impressing attractive guys) but I assure you, this is not the case. This man has my love and appreciation because of his intelligence, his wit, and because he aspires to be a writer. He likes good books, I find him hilarious, and and he likes movies I like. If I were to meet a non-semi-famous person that had these attributes, then I'd imagine him instead, but I am yet to do so within my limited social circle.
I imagine him asking this question, because in my idealistic day dream I am awesome, and able to impress this man that so impresses me. I am confident in who I am, how I act and what I do. But what is it that I think makes me awesome? My imaginary response: "I am a writer, actually. Although I'm at that delicate stage where I'm not sure if I can call myself a writer yet, I've only had a handful of things published, short stories and articles; but a couple in scholarly journals; as in literally two things. Plus also I teach French, well I tutor, so its kind of like teaching." (this is 2 years away, not my life's ambition)
And there we have it, this is what I want to do; this is how I will feel the most confident in myself. If I have the talent, ability and stamina, I could actually try and might possibly not fail. Of course I'm not talking about wooing this man any more, that's just how I test it. I don't really care that once I (if I) reach success I might fail to woo any man altogether. OK maybe I care a little, I like men and the general being with them-ness, but I will still feel awesome and kick-ass in my own skin.
This imaginary response actually surprises me. I've always wanted to be a creative writer, but I didn't realise I wanted to publish articles of a more serious manner as well. And I want to be successful with a proper job, I kind of always assumed that I'd be working in cafes, and restaurants and writing as a hobby.
This passion of mine is getting serious now and I can't just push it aside. It will be hard, but it will be worth it, and I'll have to do boring stuff like research and then write pieces, and Lauren, don't you remember you have the worst panic attacks when you have big assignments to hand up and can your anxiety stand up to this massive challenge. I honestly have no idea.
For now, I will read and practice creative writing everyday, and start to read scholarly journals to see if that's really what I want to do (what I really r.. ok I'll stop). And I'll have to learn a shit ton more about the world than I know now. But if I do this, I will be fucking good at my job, and I will write succinctly and eloquently and if I do know shit tons about the world maybe I can start to think about Comedy. I get the sense that the only comedians of any worth studied law or international politics at uni, so that ones a far off goal.
I'm going camping this week. I have a lot of books to tick off my list, and a sleeping pattern to regain :D Overall I'm pretty excited to return in 4 days time, wiser, slimmer, tanned-er.
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