and its down to the last minute again and I am so under-prepared and have so little motivation to finish. I don't want to do it. There is nothing in me that makes me want to do this.
I spent all of last night waiting around for Matt, getting upset with how little he considers me, finally talking to Matt and then deciding to never see Matt again, writing a letter to Matt telling him how much I care about him and then getting sad about Matt again. I feel like I can heal from him now though, so that's nice. No more thinking about Matt!
How can I push myself to do this work? I still want to get super hot and amazingly cool so that next time I see Matt - probably in a year's time, maybe in 5 months he is attracted to me.
It just occurred to me that I may never see him again in my entire life. That fact is really hard to swallow. He said if I needed him I could always call but the only thing I need from him is his love, and that is not on offer. What's the point of trying to get hot if I know that I'll never see him. Is that how shallow I have become? Is that how reliant on his approval I actually am. Ok I'll make a pact with myself that if I haven't seen him for a year, I will go visit him. That way its not such an indefinite separation, and it will make it easier to bear. We will always be friends, but I will always love him, so I don't have to worry about him not seeing me when I want to see him, because of course he will want to.
No more thinking about Matt! seriously considering a one night stand so I can move on properly. But I don't know how to instigate that.
So is there anything inside me that wants to pass my subjects at uni? Do I have any inspiring force within me that wants a degree, or wants a good life with a successful career? I think my problem is that often what I use to motivate me is this feeling of hope that's buried deep down. Hope that life has meaning, hope that what I do will impress someone else, or help someone else, or will in some way be relational so its not just me screaming into an empty room. Hope that one day my life will be about finding the beauty in everyday and living in the moment (eg learning to cook, hosting dinner parties, living in and exploring the city) but that source of hope is hard to find when I'm depressed. How do I tap into something that isn't there anymore.
I need something more substantial, something more external, something I can actually control. A time-frame, rewards, no I need something that will inspire me to get it done. I just care less and less about everything around and inside me its hard to make me care enough about this.
Ok. I've got it. I need to pretend its a job. Its my employment and my boss needs me to finish off this essay by tomorrow at midnight. Too bad if you're job sucks, if you don't do it, you'll get fired. Ok so the first thing that happens at a job, is I get a list of tasks to complete.
Right now I need to compile this list. I can do this, one step at a time. One teeny tiny baby step at a time. Fuck.
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