The way that I view my own life, things that have happened and things yet come changes multiple times everyday. I switch from an overly ambitious feeling of elation to a depressed deafeatist to a quiet hopeful, to not content and deeply inspired to make drastic changes. The way that I live doesn't change too much, what I actually manage to achieve each day, although its been deteriorating slowly and my empathy has been fading away over the last few years, my daily activities when you look at them from week to week remain exactly the same.
So my question is, does my hope count for anything, given that it only ever lasts a few hours. Sometimes I do think about my life romantically, and I definitely try to hold onto that feeling, but it always slips away, and what I'm left with is my routine, showering, putting my washing on, forgetting to call my friend, figuring out food. Even the more exciting activities, like practicing guitar and reading seem mundane when I'm not seeing "la vie en rose".
I think what the romantic feeling reflects is my belief that everything means something. All of it counts, and there is a point to everything. I've been see sawing between this belief and a complete lack of faith/meaning and maybe thats where the feelings and non feelings have come from.
Is it just a religion thing? Should I go back to church just for the point of instilling that warm hopeful feeling back inside? It is the most substantial feeling I've felt, being with God, and I haven't lost faith in him entirely.
Ok I'd like to include some scraps of things that have happened recently, just to preserve them. The man I have been sleeping with, in a non reltionship kind of way for the past few months, was wearing a super attractive jumper the other day, black and white, hooded, slim fit and I was surprised to find him so attractive in a public non sexual setting. He made a specific point to come talk to me for a while and it felt nice speaking and laughing in public. The last two times the sex felt strange because of a small bit of drama with another girl he's interested in, or at least used to be interested in. But I liked seeing him on Monday and I've been thinking about how handsome he looked all week now. And have been starting to crave him like I used to. Another thing that happened in the same night was I practiced some kendo with another friend, just as man i've been sleeping with was leaving. My kendo friend and I shared a brief moment recently, where I hugged him way too long, and then became embarrassed to which he responded by holding me even longer. He is recovering from a break up and also leaving the country soon so its not a good idea for either of us but I can't help but become flustered when I'm near him. Man i've been sleeping with is aware of the moment but said it didn't bother him. However as I faced off with kendo/moment friend I noticed him watching at the door he'd just left, for a couple of minutes, not sure what this implies.
Part of kendo (hitting each other with large sticks) involves eye contact, which of course made me flustered, and I couldn't do it and kept giggling. He suggested I look at his shoulders instead, his broad muscled shoulders, t-shirt stretched taut, his neck glistening with sweat, the memory of his rock solid body... I digress. That of course made me more flustered and then we fought, and I was terrible and a few times we came close and I pushed him with my body, and we were so close and there was so much aggression and energy between us. At the end of it all, we hugged (instead of handshake) and I once again held on too long, but this time in front of a whole bunch of people, hopefully it wasn't noticably strange, but who knows. He makes me feel so strange.
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