Sex really does have the power to make me feel so much better. My regular sex guy is now seeing a girl more seriously, a girl with which he told me several times that he was ending things. And learning it was more serious felt crushing, and I think I had stronger feelings for him than I first realised and I am hurt, because it makes me sad to see him with her, because I want him with me.
Finding this out the other day I sat and cried several tears and messaged another friend who I had sex with at the hippie festival. The message asked him 'hypothetically' if I were in need of a certain kind of cheering up, would we have the kind of hypothetical friendship where I could ask for some hypothetical sex. My night was nearly spent crying, eating chocolate and cheese and bacon balls, and watching sappy movies. But instead it was spent, getting tipsy, dancing around my room as I cleaned up and made myself pretty. It was so sweet being held in his arms, and kissed by him. I am still sad about the first guy, and this new sex buddy isn't the same, I don't have feelings and I don't think I'm likely to catch them. But the comfort lifted me out of the self pity and I could feel sad without letting it drag me down. Listening to Claire De Lune I feel like I'm OK with being sad about the guy, and I feel like I'm coming to accept that things are really over and also that things are going to be OK, I'll be getting less sex and I still feel jealous but its ok to feel those things.
The sex was so nice, we listened to sigur ros, which made it more exciting and it was fun and he is a really sweet and kind guy. I think just being around really sweet and kind guys is always good for comfort. I'm so glad that it happened. There is no connection, but it makes me feel warm and cuddly inside, like when I talk to Matt. He is a nice guy, he wrapped himself up in a blanket as I finished stuffing all my clothes into my tallboy, and then I sat facing him and his hands pulled me into him and we embraced, its the most accurately I've ever used that word, to embrace someone. It wasn't messy making out straight up, we just held each other for awhile, and then eventually when I did kiss him it was so soft, but not without passion.. His fingertips dug into my back and we undressed each other layer by layer. I gave him another erotic massage, he is so tall, and so sexy, and apparantly has a tattoo which I did not remember at all when I was wrtitng my account of the last time I fucked him. I sucked each of his fingers in turn, slowly and deeply and when I got to the last few I grinded myself against him at the same pulse I was sucking. I'm so glad that I've experienced all of this beautiful and wonderful sex, it makes me feel so happy and that my life is going to be fine.
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