Making things not seem like such a big deal in my head, was a good idea but now it is so easy to shrug off all my responsibilities. I've been avoiding work for a long time now. And I completely missed my sixties tutorial the other week. Am I anxious about all of these things and my avoidance is a coping mechanism, or have I just been lazy?
I've been doing a lot of thinking about what I want to do with my life recently and at the moment my day to day life is not up to scratch. I'm not productive, I create nothing, I'm lazy and spend too much time, thinking/fantasizing/worrying about boys. I've been trying to be social, and not lose all my friends while at uni, and I've been trying to focus on exercise which is definitely a positive thing, but I am progressing so slowly, or in fact not at all.
I don't want my life to just be about who I can get to fuck me, or how attractive I am, or how many friends I have. I want to build up the friendships that I do have, and build stronger family connections, because apparently that's the main thing that makes you happy later in life. But also I am so not happy with how my life is going, I'm so disappointed in myself.
I need a routine but its so hard to do a routine when you have one big assignment that just needs to subvert the routine this one time, and then you finish it, take a break, forget that you were supposed to do a routine and put off the next assignment with social and exercising until you make a new routine that can start just after you finish the next assignment.
What I really want is to have a life that I'm happy with, and not base any of my decisions around men, or dating. And to be settled in knowing that every day I'm slowly chipping away at bigger projects.
So I guess what I need is bigger projects to work on, to plan them and then figure out a timeline for them, or to break them down into smaller tasks. I think I've been getting overwhelmed because there have been a lot of new people in my life recently and not a lot of familiarity. Like I've never been so autonomous before, mum has barely helped me with assignments this semester (especially compared to last semester), Jacinta hasn't been around, don't speak to Matt as much as I used to and TJ was a confusing thing for a while, and now isn't a thing anymore, Toby and Matt (perth) are new guys I've had sex with (or who I am most likely going to have sex with) and then at point A I keep meeting more and more people, and catching up with friends from China, and maybe going on two dates from tinder, and then Alex has kind of come into my life a bit more. There are too many characters and its getting harder for me to follow the plot, or to make a plot.
So that's one problem. What are some other problems? Although I don't want to focus too much on problem solving, because I want to be pro active and not just reactive. Another problem is using my phone/facebook/tinder/other scrolly distractions to fill the void in my life, so whenever I feel sad I reach for my phone and don't allow myself to feel sad. Another problem is that I don't think deeply about my life, and so kind of just coast through with a general sense of malcontent but mainly numb to how i feel, or actively ignoring it. I miss Jacinta so much. I keep crying every time I think about it.
So some challenges I will set myself this week.
No using internet on my phone except for at a certain time each day.
Blog every night. Use this blog as a diary.
No preservatives, so go on a super bland diet, nothing processed, plan all my boring meals etc (which means no maccas tomorrow morning) - can eat some fun things on the weekends, like alcohol
Exercise intensely one time per day (point a, giant run, dancing, a swim, ross night? or something)
But how can I start working my way toward larger projects? Oh no. What if I just don't have what it takes to be a writer? or to create a big project? My whole life will disappoint me if I can't do this. OK so I better start actually trying to do it then.
So how can I do uni assignments, as well as other projects? And fit it all into the routine? What is the routine?
So it's going to be...
Wake up early, have a simple breakfast, make tea in a thermos,
get to uni by 8am.
study at uni, have lunch,
then do whatever/ read/go for a walk/ go exercise/ get coffee with friends, nap if you really want
then if I haven't yet I exercise,
Super simple Dinner at home, and then I plan my day the next day, plan lunch, plan clothes and most importantly plan the work I want to get done.
Then write in my journal (this blog)
Then write a chapter of a book/ or a poem / or a scene from my show / or a short story / or a fictional blog / or something, anything that goes towards a larger goal (uni work can be included in this) -
intersperse all of this with guitar practice.
Read and stretch before bed.
Ok this is a good plan, basically all I have to worry about is the start and the end of the day. Like a sandwich where as long as I stick to the uni by 8am and the blog entry at night I will be content. And then to make it better I'll have something nice to wake up to, maybe a nice walk, or fancy breakfast, or hmm, I dunno something... and then something nice like reading to go to sleep to.
Ok for now,
I think print the essay, go home to sleep. and then wake super early to get to maccas by 4am maybe, then i can read the essay there, and try doing some work there, because i won't be heaps productive tonight anyway.
Make this week simple, with only a few social interactions. Right now, plan lunch/clothes and work for tomorrow. I can do this, my life is not going to waste. Everything will be ok. Everything will be OK.
No comments:
Post a Comment