Its reached the end, the final two hours before I need to hand up this essay that is probably two months past due now. But I can't do it. I can't seem to finish. I want a nap and a break. I am so close to having this done once and for all, but i'm finding it impossible. Is this laziness or is this one of those anxiety attacks that I don't know is happening until I'm self harming. I have had a lot of coffee today.
I miss my friend. I used to sleep with a friend of mine, and I miss being close with them. No matter how much we share, there is no kind of intimacy that matches pillow talk. I don't necessarily want to sleep with him again (I mean, of course I do, I love sex, but thats something else entirely) I just want to have a conversation with him whilst he's holding me in his arms and softly and absently caressing my thigh and back. I don't know how to speak to him without the buffer of making out. Maybe I'm getting lonely, it has been awhile since I've had sex.
And I've never felt bad after it. There used to be this sort of emptiness I'd feel at having been used, but that hasn't happened with him. Just jealousy when I see him with a girl.
My writing has gotten terrible, I'm paying no attention to style or tone, making no effort to make it readable, but I want to record here and there parts of my life. Coz I most certainly won't remember it later. I don't feel like dying anymore, so that's pretty exciting.
I need to finish off this essay, but what I really want to do is sit motionless for awhile staring into space. maybe it is laziness.
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