I was sitting in French class today and I came to the wonderful realisation that I need to be kind to myself and to take things one step at a time. It's hard to push myself into starting study, especially today, I am so tired and pretty stressed about the french play. There's actually quite a lot on my plate this week and I think I am struggling and my thoughts are starting to do that thing where they jump from one to another and back again in rapid succession. I need to slow things down and concentrating on having one thought and then another one
and then another one
and another.
First thought: I need to clean my room for the house inspection:
And another: I am so very tired.
And then another: I need to be kind to myself and be realistic about what I can actually achieve with study.
These thoughts aren't sequential. It needs to make logical sense. Ok try again.
First thought: I need to clean my room.
Second though: I should drive home soon to do this so it doesn't get too late in the night.
And another: A guy I used to work with stood up from the computer opposite me so I had to look through my bag to avoid eye contact
And another: I should listen to music to motivate me. Clair de lune seemed to work last time.
And another: It certainly is calming - and Kind of makes me feel like everything is ok.
I need to decide what to do tonight.
Like maybe just try and write one story. Although just the thought of this makes me want to cry stress tears. Maybe just the first sentence? But then where do I start and how do I know which of my writing to already use and which to write afresh.
Wow, studying is actually so scary. So it's like doing a rail precision. I know I can make the distance but can't take the plunge because I'm terrified I'll fall and then drown in the lava of the carpet.
Ok so I think I want to write a post about mental health. Because it was suicide prevention day the other day.
Yesterday was suicide prevention day and I'd like to share some things I've learned this year to people who may be struggling.
1. Often I've been comforted with the phrase "everyone is struggling with something". But I'd like to counter that with "MOST PEOPLE don't have this fucked up psyche shit weighing them down, MOST PEOPLE live through life's ups and downs with pretty consistent brain functioning and emotional regulation, so that's why MOST PEOPLE can do normal things like socialise or finish assignments or walk to the shops without makeup on. Don't be so hard on yourself when you compare yourself to others, you basically have ankle weights on your brain and life is an uphill journey my friend.
2. All of your feelings are completely valid and significant and most importantly they exist in the real world and can (and do!) act as a physical obstacle.
3. You are the only person experiencing life through your eyes, your problem isn't smaller or less significant than "theirs", It's not a charity marathon, you have your own private obstacle course, your challenges are your own. Like parkour, your ability to do muscle-ups has almost nothing to do with anyone else's. If that dark cloud takes up all of your brain space then it may as well take up the whole universe, either way it is you that has to run through the rain.
4. People can be really amazing if you let them be. It's not that its necessarily scary to share what's going on but it feels whiny and like you're making a big deal out of nothing or being attention seeking. It might not make things lighter for you, it might not make you feel better, but it puts you back in the real world, the world you inhabit with other people. Its not attention seeking, its just sharing. Share your life, share your ups, share your downs. Have no one to share with? Share with me. We're friends on facebook for some reason.
5. Mental health stuff can be confusing because you spend a long time convincing people that you're OK, and when you finally decide to seek help, you feel like you have to justify the "dramatic help-seeking action" (in inverted commas because you can NEVER be too dramatic when it comes to reaching out) - usually a hospital visit/doctor appointment. You suddenly have to change your "i'm fine" to "actually life is really hard" and there's this feeling like you either need to downplay it, or that when you up-play it you are lying and don't deserve help. You feel like you should wait til it's more serious, or that there are other people that have it worse, so why are you complaining. Whenever I've done it, there's always this pause where I'm waiting for the doctor to give me some sort of affirmative nod - validating me in my need to be there. You need to be there!
6. Suicide is so confusing, because (in my experience) it isn't just that you want to die, its that there is a part of you that wants to die, and you have to constantly fight against it with the other part of you. They take turns being the stronger of the two, it becomes blurred which of the two is a more accurate representation of "you", you don't know which side to cheer for anymore and every day is pushing through this internal struggle. Do you realise how much strength this requires and how fucking bad ass it is. You are a fucking warrior fighting invisible battles. It's a hard thing to picture, because the empty, morose feeling doesn't seem like a sword wielding ninja, but it fucking is. Keep fighting, keep training, when you feel exhausted, know that its from a day of intense mental conditioning and be proud of yourself.
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Kids Helpline: 1800 551 800
MensLine Australia: 1300 789 978
Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467
Beyond Blue: 1300 22 46 36
Headspace: 1800 650 890
Aaaand that took me up until 2.30 in the morning with a bit of procrastination in between.
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