I bumped into my ex a few weeks ago. A few posts back I tell the story more fully, but basically I was really excited because we were all friendly again.
The thing is, it was all friend-y but then it got a little bit more physical. You know the type, elongated hugs, feet tucked under them as you share a couch etc. I have no romantic feelings for this person any more, whatsoever. At least this is what I keep telling myself, and I'm fairly certain its true,
But physically, it was so nice to be held again, and by someone who knows me well. And now, a few weeks on from this encounter, I crave it. I don't want to get back together, but I do just want to be held by him again. I'm in the process of trying to understand why it is that I crave this so much. By definition I should hate him.
I think its because I take forever to trust someone with physical contact. I have so many anxieties about meeting new people, that its just so comfortable with an old friend. I hope that's all there is to it.
What I'd really love, is a new awesome boyfriend. It would take me ages to adjust to them, and to feel comfortable around them, but eventually when it happens, I think I will crave nothing from this ex. For now I have to remain single, and I have to actively stop myself thinking about it, startiiinngg nnow! No now! But it was so nice, so warm. I fit so perfectly under his arm. And he embraced me, held me close, made me feel desirable again. I am a sad act. I will always struggle with how I interact with men, either being involved with the worse ones for me, or getting nervous and being too matey with the best ones. And I have no insight in how to fix this. All I know is I want a boyfriend. And I hate it.
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