So after one kind of romantic, kind of spontaneous (the kind where you could almost call it a one night stand, almost!) evening with a guy, you feel kind of good about yourself, a little demoralised, but overall attractive and relieved of sexual tension. A few weeks later a random movie night with a friend turns into a random hook-up with a friend. A bit of regret with that one, but a few apologies and 'lets just be friends' messages later and you still feel pretty positive about the whole thing.
But it's when it gets to the third (no wait fourth, there was a sneaky kiss with a random somewhere in there) when it gets to the fourth encounter of a sexual kind, this one a drunken house party, with an old school friend, that you start to feel like maybe you're a bit of a slut.
Without getting into the particular's, allow me to explain myself, I don't actually have sex with tons of people. With no-one in fact since 4 years ago, but if there were a spectrum from nun to prostitute, I'd be just on the nun side of halfway, well beyond the "chaste" Christian girl who kisses boys at bible camp and keeps it a secret to her grave, but below your regular non religion specific girl who hooks up every once in a while and has sex with her boyfriend before they are official. I am no slut, in regular terms, in fact up until these four incidents, I hadn't kissed anyone this year. I went 10 months, with nothing, zero action, and with zero interest from anyone. When some interest came along, I jumped at the chance, and the second chance, and well I guess I got greedy.
Because of my religious background, and the number of extremely kind but judgemental friends I have, I do feel like the biggest slut every time I have a random hook-up. But I'm a bit flip-floppy with my faith right now, and even when my faith was sure, this was the biggest "sin" I struggled with.
Religious reasoning aside, I would like to start respecting myself more. I think, apart from the last one, where my inhibitions got away from me at around my 6th drink, I was in control and I chose for myself, not to impress or please anyone else, but because it was what I wanted.
That said, I am now attempting to be chaste. I have to pretend like I don't want it, or think about it, like, all the time, so I can hold it over guys until they've committed their everything to me, and then maybe I'll put out. Is that how it works? I don't get girls who say no so often to their partner. Seriously, do you know how awesome sex feels? Maybe I'll understand more once I'm in a long term relationship, but sex is pretty much all I think about. Ok I'll admit, a slight exaggeration, but I do love it, and think about it a lot. If I had a boyfriend I'm pretty sure I would want it even more than I do now, having the option right there. Perhaps this can be a new years resolution, the whole no random hook-ups. I just want a boyfriend already, although the sweet sweet irony is that if I do date someone they will most probably be Christian, (not that I'm against non-christians, its just I'll more likely date someone with whom I have things in common) and generally Christian guys won't fuck you. So even if I do get a boyfriend, it will just make me want sex more, the possibility dangling in front of me, like a carrot on a fishing line, a long, hard juicy, forbidden carrot, that I'm not allowed to taste. If I do try, I am the evil temptress leading my good Christian boyfriend away from the path of righteousness and I am not the nice girl they first thought I was. Hmm perhaps I should join a nunnery, no temptation there.
Oh yeah Christmas and stuff happened recently. yay family times. And I recently messaged a writer friend of mine and told him I'd swap him my stories for his, so that we'd both be motivated. I have not been motivated, but I am super interested in this guy, so I should be, and it would be a cute way for us to get talking, and what a story we could tell at our wedding (haha just joking, I really am not one of those girls who imagines herself getting married... now imaging myself fucking him, well that's another story) Note to self, never tell anyone I know about this blog.
Just finished Lolita, I now want to learn Russian so that I can read everything Vladmir Nobokov has ever written. Crazy, immoral subject matter, beautifully crafted and poetic.
No comments:
Post a Comment