One lazy Sunday afternoon, the internet and I were passing the time together quite happily until I made possibly the biggest mistake my life has seen thus far. There were several Facebook errands that I'd been meaning to get to. Firstly I had a humorous article about writing to share with my creative writing friend. This friend is a guy I am sort of interested in, but its still in the early stages and I'm not sure if he's interested at all, so keeping it casual with a few shared articles here and there. But alas this one would have to wait momentarily, as another friend Jess had been thinking about me. I had to reply to her before I forgot again, so a prompt, nice reply with something like 'hope to see you soon x' to sign it off was appropriate. And now, with that out of the way, I could get to my original mission. But I was thrown off course as lunch was being called, I wrote it quickly and damn that infernal enter button being so easy to press! Curse this modern era we live in where instant messaging is oh so instant. I sent my message but with Jess still in my mind, and my next message to Jacinta already being considered I signed it with a 'hope you've been well x'. I could hear the polite confusion and disgust in his short reply. What have I done?!

I've been getting super depressed about guys, and well I guess a lot of things recently (my job, where I am in life, where I'm not in the world, most of my friends not being my friends any more). It might be just a this time of the month thing, but the guy thing is particularly frustrating. I have an amazing skill of somehow accidentally flirting with all my plutonic male friends in whom I have no interest whatsoever, I think its because I can relax around them and so am more confident and I just have a generally flirty nature. Then they think I like them, which leads to either them asking me out and I lose a friend through having to awkwardly reject them, or they shut me out, because they're worried that they are leading me on and I lose more friends.

And then with the guys that I might actually want to flirt with, I over-think it, and don't want to show I'm interested but overcompensate by acting too matey and then they see me as a pal, like the female version of a sassy gay friend. Is that a thing?


And I had months of not being desperate, where I was living completely for myself and not because I wanted to impress any guy, I still kind of am living like that, but now I just think about it all the time. I don't want to be that girl who prioritises guys as the most important thing. I am that girl. And I don't know how to not be that girl.




Today I am just super sad, and I can't write on here without sounding like a pessimist. I used to have so many friends, more than 60 came to my 21st. Now I can count them on my fingers. I went away for 5 months, and during the time away I became a less nice person. I learnt that having nice people who you are nice to, and who are nice back is not the same as having actual friends. The whole time all those people were just being polite by hanging out with me, and now there are new people at church that come and greet me with all that happiness and kindness you give a stranger. I don't belong there any more and I'm having a personal crisis because it used to be an integral part of who I was. I don't know who I am any more. I used to be kind because I was Christian, I'm still Christian but its not like before, I am not a typical Christian, I just pray sometimes and break all the other rules. Does this mean I was never really a kind person, but just going with the crowd. Am I a mean person?




I hate feeling this way, so depressed, so listless, so sitting and staring at the wall for hours slowly listing all the people who used to invite me places who haven't invited me to any new years parties this year. I hope this mood lifts.