I've picked myself up against the weight of university stress (well, I do nothing on my own, truth be told) by imagining each task I accomplish as a physical weight off my shoulders, and once its done I breathe deeper and say 'see, look how much more room for air there is in your lungs now'.
I picked back up a series that I left off before I knew any of the men that now worry my heart, and before I had tasted any of the rejection that's bitter taste is still on my tongue. It reminded me that I was a whole person before they took some of me, and that I can be that person again, and take joy in little things like television drama.
I'm slowly becoming okay with my imperfections, I covered it up before by assuring myself that I could be a model if I just lost a bit of weight (20 kgs) and tried harder with my appearance, but that did nothing to solve the underlying problem, it just left it til later. I have a scar above my right eyebrow (your left) that's not going away, I'm beginning to get cellulite, and apparently varicose veins are a thing in my gene pool and they're starting to show up. This particularly disheartened me greatly, because I still have that fear that I'm not attractive enough to attract the type of man I want in my life. But at least I know now that I need to accept what I have and not compare myself to my model sisters, and that feels better than hoping (in vain) to look like them (you know, as soon as I can figure out how to contour)
I think I was too quick to speak about the lack of effect giving up trying with guys had on me. Now that I've given it more time to settle in, and gotten used to not jumping straight onto tinder as a coping mechanism, I feel like it was a good choice, and that it will allow my head to clear and my brain to focus on more important things than validation, like ambition and passing uni and being faithful to my friendships and growing in my understanding of and relationship with Jesus and becoming a kind and considerate person again even when its not seemingly making a difference to anyone (this one is an enormous struggle)
To continue this positive vibe, this is a poem I wrote about poetry for my poetry class.
It's called "Poetry Is"
A deep breath finally exhaled after
months held inside
letting yourself be lost or found,
having tried so long to hide
that soft shoulder that makes it all go
away
your convoluted point finally
conveyed
stepping into the last gold rays of
light
hitting city walls and bouncing off
grey pavements
stepping out of the flash of flickering
fluorescent
seeing the orange amber sun sucked
under ocean line
after staring at a screen all day
drinking in colour after all those
different shades of grey
noticing that small child shrieking at
the birds reactions to tiny bits of bread
after days of suffocating in, being
blinded by, the negativity of your own head
pushing everything off and letting only
the swaying shadow of tree branches burden closed eyelids
brief snatches of gentle singing that
cause you to pause at your sisters door and be lifted
the sun warming your back on a bitter
cold day
the cooling breeze that you open your
door to at the end of a boiling one
its the slow and sure untangling of
confusion and despair with words
knowing yourself more, exploring that
and sharpening the blurred
its looking at the untangled string in
sad and steady acceptance
the laughter held back and burst out in
the middle of a fight
the hours spent practicing getting the
wording just right
being entirely you and letting that
flow from your mouth, your pen
Wondering at and appreciating the good
the bad, the now, the then.
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