I'm giving up

I know how dramatic it sounds, but I am so done putting effort and emotional energy into this dating thing. Its making me become super sensitive to the slightest rejection. That guy on the train didn't choose the empty seat next to me, must be because I'm weird and give off a desperate vibe and probably look a bit intense of a person and he doesn't really want that kind of drama in his life right now, plus I smell bad.

I don't try and dress nice when I go to cafes anymore. I don't smile at strangers, I can't let my hopes get up in anyway because it hurts more and more every time they crash to the ground along with my dignity and self worth.

I thought this would free me from getting sad about guys, but it turns out I only feel more depressed. I've given up hope, I've stopped trying to get validation from guys but I still care deeply when I don't get it. I don't really know how to describe this feeling. But I know that all I want to do is lie down and stare into space until I fade out of existence. My brain can't focus on one thought for any long period of time, its all just kind of foggy.



I feel so low, I can't study, I can't concentrate or feel in any way motivated or hopeful that I will succeed at uni this semester.

Maybe its not that I'm a perfectionist, and so would prefer to fail something than hand up something mediocre. Maybe its that I have no desire to succeed, because it won't bring me joy, because nothing brings me joy or satisfaction or fulfillment anymore.

Metaphors for how I feel. A cup with a crack in it, thats being filled slower than the water is leaking out of it. A bird without feet to land on. floating in the ocean but whenever i try and swim to shore i get further away, so there is a violent struggle every few minutes and then I give up because my efforts are not only futile but negative, and i can only float, waiting to die, A jar thats saved for some mysterious purpose but never used. A young 20-something girl who has no idea what she wants in life and so spends her times flitting between passions and goals never being able to settle on one and so ends up exhausted and nowhere. Someone who can't decide between chinese or indian food and so walks back and forth between the two restaurants for hours.

Limbo, I'm in limbo between so many different destinations. I don't want to be single, but I don't want to make an effort to date. I don't want to fail uni, but I have no real desire or motivation to succeed at uni, I don't want to be isolated but I don't want to embarrass myself socially and beat myself up for weeks afterwards (aka be social), I want to be self destructive and make myself fat and ugly but I also want to get fit and be confident. I don't want to live at home anymore but I don't want to leave.