All The Young Dudes

Well it has been a whirlwind of sexual exploits over the last few weeks (this was written in September last year) I barely know where to start. My road trip with the beautiful French man sparked a love of adventure in me and arriving back to my stagnant life in Adelaide was disappointing to say the least. So I started to look for new adventures at least for my heart to take. Yes, you guessed it, I went back on tinder.

Tinder is a peculiar place where boys put pictures of their 6 packs online in the hope of attracting a mate. My general understanding is that guys do it to find a different mate every night, and girls do it to find the one. I swipe no for anyone vain enough to photograph themselves topless so haven't yet found my one true love.

The first guy I had any type of real conversation with I figured I screwed everything up, because I got all feminist on him when he made a joke about his penis. I wasn't too nagging though, I simply asked him if I made jokes about my “friend”, vagina, whether he'd appreciate it or be grossed out. Unfortunately he said that it would definitely entice him and so I started the conversation over with “haaave you met my friend clitoris?” and he said that I was the whitest girl he'd ever met.

I'm a massive racist, so I took this as a compliment, and I guess he is too, coz he asked if I wanted to meet up. My fairy tale dreams really had come true, but would cinderella be able to get to the ball on time? And when I say on time, I mean before he starts hooking up with some random Asian chick at the club.. I mean ball. The answer is no. I was downstairs messaging him that I'd arrived, and somehow in the ten minutes it took to get upstairs he was hitting on another girl. Since this was my first tinder experience I didn't really care, coz I had literally zero expectations, so I pretended I couldn't see him and then met up, and hooked up with him later. We actually went on another two dates. One for coffee, and one where we watched a movie at his. The second one ended with my clothes on the floor and me awkwardly deciding that I wasn't really interested in having sex with someone I only just met. I'm glad I tried it, coz I wouldn't have known that without experiencing it, but still, its an awkward conversation to have once your already naked. He was nice about it and helped me find my underwear, seriously it just happened so fast, I'm still not sure to this day how all my clothes got off that quickly.

On the night that I met this delightful human being, I actually met someone else as well. Yep, I'm basically a slut now that I've slept with more than one person. There's no in between.

This guy was with a girl and they invited me to do a shot with them. I just thought they were the coolest couple ever but it turns out she had a boyfriend, which turned the situation from possible threesome into getting hit on by the best wing woman ever. We bonded over SNL and Kristen Wigg for awhile, and as we went our separate ways he gave me a “kiss” goodnight, aka we made out for ages. We chatted on good ol' FB after this, but each time I'd try to see him again he said he was keen but wouldn't lock down an actual time. The strangest thing is that he'd talk about sex all the time, like for example in joking about being a vampire, he'd say he could turn me into one, but we'd have to have sex for it to work. I'd respond with something cute and witty, something flirty but coy at the same time, like 'NO'.

I did indicate my desire to hang out with him, and if he was so obsessed with sex then I don't understand why he didn't try to meet up more, maybe he doesn't understand that actually being in the same room increases the chances of any sex happening by a great deal. So that one kind of just fizzled out.

The next tinder guy was a lot sweeter and a lot less sure of himself than the first one. He was interesting and after I figured out SNL man wasn't serious about any of his suggestive suggestions I asked him to meet up. We had drinks at the pub. I felt really nervous, but he kept saying and doing things that were a bit awkward. This made it so much less awkward for me, because the pressure was off, I could just be my weird, peculiar self. He had been messaging me throughout the day, which I was annoyed at because he was using up all the conversation topics that I normally go to when I'm nervous. There were two or three messages, spread out over the day where his response to 'what are you up to?' included cider somehow. I was so scared he'd be wasted when I got there, but he didn't seem too bad and he bought me dessert, so he was definitely winning. We messaged for awhile and I decided I wasn't interested romantically and so let him know. He said he felt the same and we're actually really good friends now.

Thinking back on it my heart has been so back and forth, in the last few weeks there was another friend that has been a good friend for a long time and we hung out for 4 days over a 6 day period and all of a sudden I'm in love with him as well. I'm not sure what's going on with my body, but there is something strange happening. Maybe because I was so scared to love for four years, my heart is making up for lost time by loving everything that gives me more than one second of eye contact. With this friend of mine, I decided I didn't want to be in one of those stupid unrequited love friendships ever again, so I told him straight out and he wasn't interested and in my mature way, we said our goodbyes, as in I dramatically left his house crying, saying I never wanted to see him again and could he please not text me ever.

The last one is (oh yes there is one more) a story of triumph. So there has been this guy that is so lovely and interesting and talented and kind, that I've had a super secret thing for in the back of my head for awhile. Its not a proper crush or anything, its just my knees go a little weak when he smiles at me, that's all.

I got rather drunk at my brother's house warming party and then my friend took drunk Lauren into town. And who did I bump into but that lovely, interesting, talented, kind man. He smiled at me from the line, and I only just managed to remain standing. We embraced and established how happy we both were to be alive (also known as drunk as fuck).

We all danced together, his friend, me, my friend and him. And then myself and him dove deeper into centre of the dance floor and I grinded on him and he had his hands on me and then all of a sudden his tongue was down my throat. It was really fast, it moved around my mouth quicker than my brain took to register it being there. The energizer bunny comes to mind for some reason.

And then the moment ended, and we went back to our friends and danced crazy again for a long while, we all hung out fort the remainder of the night, there was pancakes involved, and my friend even took them home whilst the sun was rising. I hugged him good bye and can still feel how solid his body is pressed up against mine. I'm fairly certain he doesn't remember that we made out, but I still count it as a win in my books, I made out with one of the most attractive people I know (and I mean attractive in more than just physical ways) *fist pumps*